Category : Books-Fiction

Sub Category : Thriller

I





always known I was different from a child.i went to nusary I was so creative with no care in the world I had no responsibility.I wanted to be a supper hero and save the world even though I was premature and six months behind every one else.The world looked so big and I was so small I was later to learn I was autistic well on the spectrum . ( This didn't mean anything at the time). I was a happy child finding my way in the humungase world.It was very important to me to be invisable at the time as other children could be so noicy it hurt like funder on a tree agnosing!.




I needed ruteenand to do things repeatedly each day.i would have meltdowns over the smallest things growing up .I didn't have a bond with my mom as such as how I'll I was .My mom also suffers with depression after I was born.i blamed myself for that as a child.But never the less I was a happy child with no care in the world. As I got older from the age of six I could do at the age of six what children at the age of three could do.i would play gutters as I grew and tracka one two three it's a bit like tag but saying one two three then hiding it was astonishing how fast we ran like rain fulling to the floor and knock door run (I loved playing these games the excitement rushing though my blood).As I was a child I was close to my nan and grandad I was one of the lucky ones to still have them around to go one holiday and play on the summer beatch. Me and my older sister would lie facing the sky  and wishing on stars at night . in the day making clouds into little animal shapes . I live in a four bedroom house with my mom dad and older sister one younger sister and brother . I was slim with chocolate brown eyes.and black hair. I wore a blue uniform for primary and little black shoes  when looking back my life was good up to the age of eleven years old my mom would fight like they were marked but to me it was like a family of Woolf's when they got angry.They didn't have a good start in life there selfs.our nabours were forevever threatening my family so my mom would wake us up to bang on the walls playing our music as loud as I could my parents taught us to stick up for our self's. For the first year of high school I was builled and invisable to the world but I met Wesley that year were I was walking to play on the basket ball pitch . He was charming caring and he loved basket ball. I remember me siting on the field and him pulling me down the hill to the point my shirt had turned green in the blue sky.for the next few weeks we would sit in the sun looking at the clouds what shapes we could make .walking round and chilling at his house Everytime mom and dad argued was not alone he showed compassion and love.He was unaware I used to self harm untill this point .He told me don't tell your friends as they will be jelouse so pushed all my friends away . It was worth it as long as I had him that cared,adored me.we went on our imagenery holidays to the beach in my head.we ate ice cream while riding the fiece horse competiting me all the way .we would go back to hotels as I got older we would have a fag together .we hugged each other then started kissing .I said what are you doing he said obey me i own you .he then moved closer I couldent. I could feel his warm hair on his face on mine slowley I said stop he said this is what adults do.so then I tried to be a good girl at this point he had undressed me but backed l only had a pink thong on he then slides them down then told me to do a spin I did that's when he said your mine forever where you I will find you.
I felt his cold hands running around my breast then he chucked me to the bed. I was looking around this old room there were no stuff in it one exit I thought what if he kills me?. He then put his fingers inside me constantly in and out and he said you will turn you on it’s called your clit.i did a little bit of a squirt and he said I must of liked it as I squirted.but when he put his willy inside me I thought I was dying I was crying saying stop but he didn’t have got faster he said you like it you slut your all mine in going to impregnate you. When he finally stopped I stud up in pain I looked down and I was bleeding he then replied with women don’t always like the first time.you will like it and you will be asking for it I walked home scared I may be pregnant I didn’t understand how spoon after. As I started my period early I got home I went to my room crying the next day I went to school had been chosen by the staff to do a program called viva vulnerable individual voicing action unknowing what it was I was just happy to leave classes while at the group I would burst into tears as they talked about consent and I walked out.
she would follow me I couldn't tell her but I wanted to but I asked were I could get condoms from as I needed them for an older friend she looked at me I could see her eyes fleeing at me I knew she knew they was really for me. she then asked have I had sex I replied no I haven't but I knew she could see straight though my chocolate puppy dog eyes.she then went on to suggest a sexual health clinic and she started if your friend has been having sex with a stranger they can also do sit swabs I than asked what that was she would carry on to say sexual transmitted tted diseasees. I agreed I didn't want to say I didn't even know what that was. seeing Wesley for years by this point he would say can you have sex with my friends for me as a favour I looked at him in total shock the first time he asked I was so anxious from my fingers to my toes I just said okay when I wanted to say no but I loved him
Now I want you to think about if you wrote a letter to your younger self what would you say__________________

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Now I want you to circle how you feel daily:

Monday.        Sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried
Tuesday sad happy agitated emotional worried 
Wednesdays sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried
Thursday

sad happy agitated emotional worried 
Friday  sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried
Sataday sad happy agitated emotional worried  sad.     Happy.  Excited emotional agitated scared worried
Sunday  sad happy agitated emotional worried sad.     Happy.  Excited scared Chapter two part to of the horrendous torcher that excited in my life 

I was 13 and the men at this point we're adding up. Each men were different races and had there own fetishes for example they would tie me up like 50 shades but forced but I learnt to look at random pictures on the walls in a room while Wesley would sit on the stairs waiting to make sure I done it right meanwhile he was making money of my body. When I got home I would scratch at my arms as I just felt numb just as if I was floating away further from who I was. I would read days little secret , listen to family portrait even though it wasn't my dad it gave me comfort. I then got taken into the care system this is where my life got worse. I closed up putting on a mask fauling behind at school, becoming numb I ended up in a four bedroom care home we're I would run away to meet Wesley shop shire to Birmingham quite a distance for a eighteen year old. I would get beaten up by the older kids and bullied. By this time self harming got worse. I then moved to a mental health home in Manchester I was there there months by then I had learnt self. Harm though burning but I felt safe .i was then in a rush to go home and left to my grandparents little did I know I would be trying to end my life in every way possible. 
My family tried to help me but I was so lost I ended up in acute hospitals and intensive care for giving my self third degree burns but by this time I had learnt it was abuse but I was addicted to the love Wesley gave as he broke me down to not loving my self .i was always running away to were I was punched to the point I couldn't even open my eyes (some people may wonder is that even love?). Then I would be injected with ketamine by this point I was working in a sex cinema we're sex was illegal there but still went on petrified of Wesley I obeyed like a good little girl. I felt dirty and like a slag the sex weren't even all protected I feel pregnant twice I was going to call her April if a girl and top if we're a boy unfortunately I miss carried this effected me humungesley I feel I was seeing my future was getting further away .my nan was so supportive but though out we would argue. She couldn't see why I would like to have a rapists baby but I just thought they would be nothing like him. My nan wanted to kill them for hurting her baby . 

The following year I was sixteen fauling behind on gcses taking cocaine to feel happy again. 
My flashbacks we're so bad I put a chair by a door being to get out esoterically crying to get out with no recollection I had put the chair there fight of flight response. In hospital iI was on a section three of the mental health act this meant when I tried to self harm they would restrain me to keep me safe .i would then dissociate and lash out one night I set the fire alarms of and escaped met Wesley as he was the only one who didn't huge my mental health. That night a bottle was broke inside my vigina leaking blood inside I had to go hospital the looks I had I felt so judged and like it was my fault I felt ashamed.They had to remove the glass internally this was so embracing and painfully.my modern slavery worker I had due to getting refferd to nrm national refusal mechanism I had a positive trafficking status by the home office. The only one who truly understood me. I would be supported to do numerous please report but due to dissociating when talking about it I couldn't do it plus they weren't trained in Asperger's this didn't help. They also sore me as an underage prostute I gave up with the system and the nhs to help me as they done zero safeguarding even though I was a vulnerable child at the time I got let down by services a lot. Over the next few weeks I learned to trust my worker more and more everyday I would brake down crying people picking on me because I would cry this knocked my confidence about it coming out worse.They didn't know how much I was going though and that I was in pain.

While I was having the sessions I came closer to my story being known to those closest .i would act out because of the stress I would carry on my shoulders thinking one day may be to late sometimes he was nice but he started to switch a bit this was unpredictable. I then went into foster care we're I ran away constantly and push every one else away I would be told my mom didn't love me she did and she was a great mom to me .i would put myself in danger that one night changed everything I was made to take ketamine which is a house trancliser I lost control that I thought I had. At this point I ran away from school on the Monday morning as I couldn't cope and stood on a bridge remembering that I was trapped and it would be so easy to jump my teachers sore me on the bridge from the field of the school and rang police I remember being on the edge. The only thing that stopped me was knowing I was loved. At this point I trusted my worker and broke down she desired me and understood she said she would help me go to the police as it was trafficking

I knew the people at the hospital would never understand me or accept me but I tried to tell them. I’ve lost myself at this point the police interviews went crap I froze up saying what happens so bluntley like dick I felt ashamed and embareced I already had Asperger’s which got in the way of my communications by this time I was told he had done it to other girls by a professional but the justice system your incident intill proven guilty I felt so let down till this day I in 2020 I wish I could go back and open up or go back and tell my mom when it first happens. Hospitals are the same they let you self harm problem behave or try and end your life until it’s to late and after twenty one admissions now am I only getting support in a eupd ward unstable personality disorder this means I have trauma I can’t cope with my emotions. There is a compensation for abuse people have suffered but due to my ptsd in a restraint in hospital I went crown court charged with adult on emergency worker I can not receive it now which doesn’t make sense my trauma hasn’t gone away and if I wasn’t hurt in the first place I wouldn’t be stopped hurting myself I wanted to hurt me not them..
Chapter three 
What makes you sad happy and angry?_ 







Now draw a person explain psycal sensations when you feel angry 














Write a letter you won't send : 










Write a letter you'll send today : 





Who is in your circle of love: 














Who inspires you and why ? 















Write your long term and short term goals: 

List five people and what you think they think of you?






Now write what they actually think of you?

How full is your mind write down a bubble that repsents your mind.

And next how full is your heart ?

Last time you were happy?




If I was an animal I would be ?






If I was a instrument I would be?













If I was a colour I would be :



Write down your envy :



What you would change about yourself:




What are the things you've lost :



Tell your self five things about yourself:


Write Five complimetnts about yourself :


Three negatives about yourself that you want to change:


What are your favorite poems?

Your favorite author:



And finally your favorite film?
25 August 2020 :
Today I woke up at six turned my alarm of awoke again at 10 am. Went to take medication then of to the gym then ate my diet plan two eggs and a pot of sweetcorn .backed for the girls bday felt sad, hopeless as I want a night leave at man's .then went grounds leave getting ready to see the animals as there are so much land here.i sore rabbits and two donkeys. Watching ncis then brushing my teeth brush is in the office as batteries in them. Then went to bed.

26 th August 2020 last night I went ANE I swallowed batteries three as I wanted to die I've lost everything.smoke leave,and leave and grounds leave today I'm a little depressed and anxious regret it and emotions high.went hospital found out tomorrow I'm having an operation to remove the batteries.


28 th August 2020 
Went hospital seven hours for a oppression they then turned around and said I don't need it .so overwhelmed came back to stuff being taken out my room without me knowing I burst out crying in bed now watching film waiting to poo out the three batries.
Dear diary29 the August 2020:
Today I went on grounds leave, supported some friends and had a good day a patient tried to bring me down by saying I have no leave and actually said it so sat in bed with my pjs feeling quite low.
Monday 31 August 
Today I realised how much I miss my family and how much I want to go home six months left in eupd ward.i also wore a short top today and noticed the burn marks Wesley done and cried but now bed time dbt tomorrow .
1 St September today I have the dyed and this is splashing paint on a t shirt on a jumper and washing it out .today I was so annoyed they said I can’t see my family for four weeks at a time had a new doctor so they can’t afford transport I want to go closer to home. 
Wednesday 2 and September today I realised how much quick the time has gone here .today I found out I’m leaving in about three months I’m going supportive accommodation .ialso done a kitchen assessment it means I can have kitchen access .had a ca you have one every three months now in bed awaiting tomorrow.

Thursday 3rd September 
Today I went dbt learnt distress tolerance then had emdr done safe space while she tapped my hand it was weird but good .i then fell asleep so much but on a hole a good day apart from starting my period I’m sat in bed screams get of me and alarms how can I sleep.

Friday 4 September 
Today I went dbt Starbucks now in bed listening to screams again I practised safe space but I had two fags today I’m just scared of meeting everyone down again.
5 the September I did emdr chilled revised for theory test wrang little sister and cried I miss her so much my heart skips a mile when I speak to her and then read diary and fell asleep.
6 the September today I woke at eight eighteen for a few went group run a mindfullness session practiced for theory test then sat on toilet and sore glass why does this happen to me? And couldn’t surge the urge but now music and bed for me.
7 the so today has been so hard I sore my nan and had to say goodbye it was like an earthquake in my head emotions we’re everywhere and the screams are louder than ever it’s everyday I wonder sometimes why am I trapped here?
8 the September today has been another hard day last night I woke up from a nightmare I was sweeting my hart going ten to a dozen it felt like my heart was going to jump out it’s crazy how something not in the present can make you feel psycaly .
9 the September today I woke  up went dbt learnt radical acceptance then sore psychologist and we done light streaming which changes a pain tense in your body then my leave tight end to three times a day fag breaks also there is no screaming today.
10 the September today I woke up went for the first cigarette for the day went Starbucks shopping had so much fun then came back to screaming yet again this place can make you worse some people are ill and I’m on the road of recovery but ill always support my friends .
11 the September so I’ve done nothing all day only some diamond art fags and tv films the hangover it was so funny alarms going of today today was the first time I wanted to run away on my leave and just walk and be free and walk not with a care in the world but reality hit and I surfed the urge now sat in bed for the night.