Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I'm not the nicest person. I never have been. And I used to think it was funny. But now, looking back at all of my mistakes, all of the people I have wronged, it's not so funny anymore. I started off trying to change, but it wasn't as easy as I wanted it to be. Then I realized, I don't have to change. I've never been a bad person. I've never been a bully, I've never disrespected anyone just for the fun of it. Deep down, I'm a good person. I know I am. I just wish other people could see that too. There was a time when I thought being mean to people would get me somewhere. I was blinded by the toxicity. I thought I enjoyed watching others suffer. But I didn't, and I don't. Looking back at it, I know exactly why I did what I did. Although others may not understand it, I do. And I've forgiven myself for it. See, I was surrounded by toxic people. They encouraged me to do stupid things. They put me down, when I thought nothing could. They put me into a depression. And it's funny because, at that time I told myself I was depressed, but never really believed it. And now that I'm looking back at it, I really was slowly sinking into it. They changed me for the worst. And I let them. But, I don't regret it. I learned from it. I now know what I don't want to be like. Ever. I've grown, and I've matured. And I'll prove that to everyone. It's been a while now. I'm not very social. I can be, but it's hard. I'm not good at talking to people. See, I was stuck in that toxic circle of friends for most of my life. When I tried to be myself, they put me down for that. They thought it was dumb. Or weird. Now it's hard for me to be around people, in fear that they'll turn out to be the same. I don't think I can handle that. I've embraced my inner self. I know I'm weird, I wouldn't consider myself "normal," and I'm proud of that. I don't want to be like anyone else. I take pride in my differences. And I'll encourage others to do the same. I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER put someone down for being themselves. Unless they are hurting others by doing so. I've been trying my hardest to be a better person. But sometimes it's hard. When someone tells me about their problems, it's hard for me to understand that they're hurting. And when I finally do, it's hard for me to care. I've never had a friend to talk to about my problems, and when I've tried, they've shut me out. I've only had my mother. She listens to whatever I have to say. But it's not easy to talk to her about everything. At my age, talking to your parents is no longer so easy. With that said, I've never had anyone else to talk to. I've never felt that I've had anyone other than certain members of my family to care about me. And sometimes that hurts. Because of that, it's hard for me to care about others. I don't know how. But I'm sure with time I'll start to understand it better.  I've always been the one to look at the negative. And only the negative. But lately, I've been a bit more positive. I think. I've been really hard on myself. I'm always told what I'm doing wrong, but no one has said anything about what I'm doing right. Unless I bring something up myself. And it's started to get to me. I've been pressuring myself into getting better, by telling myself all the things I feel are wrong with me. I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with things, but I am getting better at controlling it. And myself. I just want to feel okay again. It's been too long.