Purest Of Pain Read Count : 35

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
I saw him yesterday. Who would have thought at a time where it is safer to stay home that I would see him in a supermarket in my neighbourhood, doing his grocery shopping. Why here in my area when it is so out of his way? 

Like a thief in the night, I tried to dodge him. I pushed my shopping cart swiftly between aisles in my way to avoid him. It felt like the supermarket had shrunk in size when he suddenly appeared behind me at the pet food aisle. He tapped my shoulder, I turned around and there he was, all smiles, dimples and all. Almost immediately I felt that familiar flutter in my stomach. Fuck! I don't need this. Not right now. 

I wanted to run but I can't just abandon my shopping cart, can I? 

"Fancy meeting you here," I blurted, trying my best to act cool when in actual fact, I was squirming inside. 

"Well, I was hoping I'd bump into you," he replied, flashing his dimples once again. 

Fuck! My brain was jammed. I couldn't find a witty respond to what he said. 

I slowly pushed my cart away from the aisle, hoping he'd take the hint but no such luck. 

"Are you done with your shopping?" he asked, walking alongside me, eyeing the items in my cart. 

"Yes, I am."

"Cool. I'm done too. Let's grab some coffee at the bakery," he said, taking my cart and pushing it to the check out counter. 

We had coffee, we talked, or rather, he did most of the talking while I was trying to process the situation. 

He was his usual charming self. He was his usual gentle self. He was his usual sweet self. He was everything I remember him to be. 

But I can’t do it anymore. I can't bring the memories with me. They hold our happiest days and everything in between. They hold my vulnerable days as well as how I did things for the sake of proving my love for him. They also hold my faith in love, how he made me feel; that I was enough, that I was loved, and they hold reminders of how I stopped needing anybody else because I had him. Those memories hold too much of what I can handle, too much of what I want to forget. 

As much as I want to keep them, I know they have an automatic repeat button where they will flash back moments when triggered. I desperately want to get rid of them because the pain is just too hefty for me to carry silently. Those memories will only remind me of the times we shared, good and bad. They bring back everything; how happy we used to be, how we always chose each other despite the fights, and they also bring back his lies, how I forgave him, how it tested my trust, and how he kept repeating his mistakes knowing that I will always forgive him.

So I will leave them at the same place that only the two of us know. I will pay a visit when I miss him but I will never bring them home with me. Not again. Not this time.

Enough is enough.

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  • Oct 09, 2020

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