Remember This... Read Count : 47

Category : Diary/Journal

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Remember the night you said you would love me with all honesty? 
You said you loved me because you saw the things that were unbelievably lovable in me. You said you took pleasure in watching me learn how to embrace myself which you knew was a slow process but you were confident I'd get there someday. 

Remember the night when it was raining, the night we didn't take off each other's clothes but we said the words that somehow felt like making love underneath the thunderous sky? 
I remember how every kiss felt like home, how your eyes looked exactly like solace, and how your hand gave me such silent assurance that I was safe with you. 

Remember the night you said you would love me with all honesty? 
I remember when I was sick and you ditched your work just to stay with me, I remember how you stayed up all night just to watch me fall into slumber, and then you made me breakfast in bed just so I'd wake up with that smell of sunny side up and the sweet aroma of coffee. 

Remember when you said you saw yourself staying with me forever? 
You said you saw your future by my side, you said you wanted to take care of me, you said you would always be there. 

Remember the night you said you would love me with all honesty? 
You showed me your well-kept treasures your 7 year-old self wanted to forget, you said you didn't want to be like your father, and you said when you love, you love purely. 

Remember the night you called me and you were crying? 
You said you missed your mom and you wondered how she was doing in heaven. 

Remember the night you talked about what our house would be like? 
You said you wanted to repaint everything in your memory to forget about your father's betrayals and his mistress's perfume. You said you wanted to prove to him you're better man than him.  

Remember the night you said you would love me with all honesty? 
Before you went home you gave me that silk aquamarine handkerchief because you knew it was my favorite color, and I remember how you said your goodbye with such tenderness because you'd be away from me for 8 hours. 

Remember the day you forgot about returning my call because you were swamped with work and we fought on our way home because you misunderstood my concern? 
I remember how I cried because I was worried about you and how you felt so guilty as we walked our way in silence. I also remember how you made me smile when you hugged me before I opened my front door and how you said you just want to be with me.

Remember the night you said you would love me with all honesty? 
How every fight felt like a habit? 
How every word thrown felt like poisonous darts? 
How every broken promises stopped to matter? 
How you learned to sleep without pulling my head against your shoulder? 
How you said you were tired and you just wanted to rest? 

Remember that night you said you would love me with all honesty? 
You said you were falling into pieces and that you were falling out of love with me. You said you wanted to let me go because you didn't want to hurt yourself for forcing the things you no longer desire and that you didn't want to hurt me too. You said you were tired of your life and that you were also tired of us. 

Remember that night I asked for a kiss for the last time and you said you wouldn't kiss someone you no longer love? 
I remember how I begged you to stay and when I woke up the next morning I realized I had lost you. I remember how I was gasping for courage to think of something to make you change your mind, how I stopped smoking the fear of rejection, and how you declined my love in the end.  

Remember that night you apologized for wasting my love on you, for wasting my time, for touching me so much, for owning my body and for wasting myself on you? 
That was the night you became true with yourself, about what you feel. 

Remember the night you said you would only love me with all honesty? 
And that you did. You had been so honest and right now I just wished you had lied to me instead. 

You can't love someone by steady measures, by same wavelengths or same velocities. There will be days where you would want to love me and there will be days where you won't. There will be days where you would carry me like a feather and days like the I'm the entire world you are obligated to carry on your shoulders. There will be these periods of time where you would ask for my laughter in your tea cup and there will be days where you would want to fill your ashtray with our unresolved arguments. You would love me entirely for two straights nights but you would also be capable of leaving my side without telling me when will you come back. There will be days where you would want my skin against yours but there will also be days where we would sleep with our backs facing each other. There will be moments where you would sound like smooth footsteps descending from heaven, and there would also be the possibility where we hear ambulances crashing inside our heads when both of us want to kill each other with silence. 

And maybe that's why I didn't believe the way you said you would love me everyday, with no transitions, and that you would love me with all your honesty. Because I knew you wouldn't. I knew one day I would see your promises collapse. I knew there would be days where you would hate me and hate yourself for constantly choosing me when you could have chosen someone else. 

Loving each other doesn't mean having perfect days. I could be your best friend or enemy. I could be a sign or a confusion. I could be a cliché or your first time. I could be your everything or your black hole. There will be days where you would love me more than I love you and times where everything will turn otherwise. 

That's why you can't love someone the same way you did yesterday. You don't see the same person in one body. You are allowed to love me more, and you are allowed to love me less. I am prepared for your dryness, I am prepared for your coldness. I am prepared for your thirst, and I am also prepared for your longings. 

We are not all sunshine and bright skies. I see goodbyes inside your chest and beer bottles in your fridge, but I also see you running to me for another chance, and I see you saying your apologies. 

We will never be perfect. You can't be the promises you said to me and you know what? You are allowed to switch. You are allowed to undress your lies, and you are allowed to blanket your words. Because I know there will be days where I would ask you why you're still here when I already pushed you away, and there will be days where you would smile and say you're glad you stayed.

Honey, you're allowed to grow. You are allowed to change. You are allowed to remember me everytime you change. You are also allowed to choose me again.

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