Exhale.... Read Count : 58

Category : Blogs

Sub Category : LifeStyle
No one could ever imagine the great turmoil that goes on inside me. No one would ever know how much I hurt, how much I cried and how much I feel.  

I don't expose what I feel inside or give away the inner battles that I fight. 

I hide my pain behind my smiles. 
I hide my suffering behind "I am okay" and "I am fine". 

Truth is, I fall apart just like everyone else. I just do it alone and in private. 

I cry silently behind closed doors. Sobbing out my pain and suffering, soaking my pillow with rivers of tears, leaving tear-marked stains on the sheets. My bed had witnessed the most heartbreaking stories of my life, and the four walls in my bedroom have become the home of my own personal living hell. 

Yet, I wake up every morning ready to tackle whatever hooha that dare stand in my way. 

To have a certain amount of control over my life, I stick to my daily regimented routines, putting on a brave face, pretending that the pain is not devouring me on the inside. 

I was afraid to show my vulnerability for fear of being judged. So, I hide my pain. I hide in my shell of steel, suffering alone and quietly; not wanting anyone to know that behind the hard shell, I am actually breaking inside. 

To keep going, I convinced myself that I am a warrior fighting secret battles. A warrior whose metal suit of armour is worn out and has many dents. 

The silent battles have left me scarred with bruises. The wounds are not visible to the naked eye. They don't bleed outwardly, but inwardly. They can't be seen but they exist and they hurt like hell! 

Still, I suffer alone and in silence. 

I am not open to talk about my worries, my problems, my fears and my self-doubts. I keep my emotions bottled up and I keep them to myself because it is too difficult to put in words everything that I feel. To talk about the things that are hurting me is not an easy thing for me to do because I believe that I don't have the space to have a weak moment. 

The world around me has taught me that showing my feelings and emotions means I am weak and pathetic. 

The world around me expects me to be tough, to be stoic, and that I must only show strength, because in this ruthless world only the strong ones win. 

Do they really? 

The world around me dictates that the strong don't complain, they just deal with everything. 

With all that "pressure" and expectation, I learn to hide my suffering well. 

I learn to stand through vehement storms even when I want nothing more than to vanish and hide until the pain becomes bearable. I stand in my conviction of who I am and my ability to walk through hell and back. I know I will get back up time and time again when life knocks me down, regardless of the adversities that cross my path. No matter how painful, I brave it out and soldier on. 

From where I stand, it is easy to look around and speculate. All around me, I see people who seem to be doing fine, people who seem to have it all figured out, people who seem to have their shit together. 

But are they really all that fine? 
Do they really have it all figured out? 
Do they really have their shit together? 

Fact is, everybody struggle and suffer in their own way. No one is exempt from pain. Yet, it is difficult to share my vulnerabilities and pain as it is a tedious process. 

That was me in a nutshell once upon a time ago. 

But I have learned. 

I have learned that I don't have to suffer in silence. I don't have to face it alone. 

I have learned that I do have people in my corner who understand me and what I was going through. 

I may feel I am strong enough to carry the weight on my own, to face it all alone, to suffer in silence, but for how long? 

Until one day when I just can't take it anymore and I break into a million pieces? 

I didn't realize it but the silent suffering chiseled away at me until I turned into a different person and I almost lost myself in the mute world that I had created. It was eating me up slowly but surely. I realized it can lead to trauma and it can lead to taking my frustrations in negative ways. It only brings more pain and misery. 

But when I opened up instead of hiding, things eventually got better. 

Yes, I am strong, but, I am also human; fragile and sensitive, not a cold piece of machinery. 

I know now that I don't have to suffer in silence about the pain I feel and about the things that are hurting me. 

I don't have to suffer in silence about the things I cannot control. 

I don't have to suffer in silence about the emptiness I feel. 

I don't have to suffer in silence about the things I cannot change. 

I am allowed to feel. 
I am allowed to hurt. 
I am allowed to weep. 
I just don't have to do it all alone. 

I am now kinder to myself. Loving myself more. 

I know that even the strongest souls need someone in their corner so I don't hesitate to reach out anymore. 

I don't let the unspoken words that I hold inside eat me alive. 

I am no longer ashamed to share my deepest and most personal thoughts. 

No more letting the suffering be the conductor of my life. I'm taking the wheel and driving away from what was hurting me and I am going to keep driving forward. 

Suffering is part of life. It's inevitable. 

But I'm not making it a permanent destination. 

I have learned from it, grown from it, and now I've let it go.

Comments

  • Amen, Baby Sis. You deserve that liberty

    Aug 11, 2020

  • Aug 11, 2020

  • 👏👏

    Aug 11, 2020

  • Nice writing nice ending nice motivation 👊.

    Aug 11, 2020

  • i just love this

    Aug 11, 2020

Log Out?

Are you sure you want to log out?