Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Talking to the walls. 3 hours into this thing and I can't find the words to say almost  two years now in the following Jesus and I can't find the words to pray sometimes I feel like I'm caught up in the world with all my past mistakes I don't look back because of my past I hate but you can't travel backwards do yesterday and the more I try to the less I pray I guess it's hard to talk to God when you're a shame so here I am into million thoughts later and I'm here with this pin and this same pad of paper just trying to share something Inspire the masses but how to manage this popularity was not taught by classes so most of the time I feel like I'm in over my head as a kid there was a picture of James Dean hanging over my bed he was a rebel and I'm just lost calls I sit alone in my room ignoring text and block calls I keep my head low as I pass people I know I never expected to be somebody when I was a kid I never expected to need somebody to know how to live I've always been the type to do things by myself but lately I've been picking up that bible a lot more off my shelf and the schedule I keep is affecting my health irregular heartbeat and anxiety that just won't quit sometimes I just want to walk away from all of this I never asked for this I was just called to it but here lately I just can't get God to pick up on speed dial it just seems like he's been ignoring my calls now for a while but maybe I deserve it cuz I didn't always pick up for him I don't like to go to church so much anymore cuz people ask me about stuff that is none of their business at ever service I'm in they think I'm spiritual but inside I'm just nervous and tense I can't get used to this popularity now more than ever this pedestal is scary an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other just daring me to take the skeletons out of my closet and put them on display I feel like I'm talking to the wall whenever I pray if people knew who I was thay wouldn't ask me about why I choose to live like this I'm 32 years old and I hide from the world to day i try not to find that fix but I know Jesus is enough and I shouldn't feel like this I'm so hurt from the past I can't heal like this this poem is not for you its for me sometimes I just hope to be left alone and some day I'll be free and I hope someday after all this it will all be worth it I can only imagine someday being 80 just to look back on your past and curs it let me write this clearly I don't need to write it in cursive tell you that even though you think highly of me I think that I'm worthless and not because of the ways of this world or anything you can say can change it there's a beast inside me and I can't tame it and that monster keeps reminding me of everything about me that I hate maybe God's grace found me just a little  too late because I wasted a lot of years breaking a lot of hearts its hard to turn off the replay of those days every time that it starts this is me now and this is what it feels like to be empty there isn't a day goes by but the devil doesn't tempt me I just have to remind myself of the God who sent me when I keep my eyes on him I can breathe again I got a lot of fans but still in need of a friend welcome to the world I'm in as my thoughts that try to defeat me with sin but I believe in my heart that even if i lose I Winn ever time the devil tries temp me with his evil play  it's going to be a interception and I'm going to touch down and that's on every single play cuz even if I lose I win and that's all I got to say............Taylor Made