Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Am I crazy for wanting a success guy and person to love me the way a deserve, because I feel like I’m in a state of wishful thinking. My anxiety and paranoia makes it hard to grasp what my reality is, compared to the tragic fairytale my mind believes almost daily. I want attention and validation, because I feel I need it; it’s my addiction. I am addicted to the same tragic stories that I live through and am surrounded by. I guess a part of me wishes hat there was a person watching me through cameras in my house, to see how “perfect” I am, and how much they would want to be with a specail person like me. I am intimidated by the people who don’t deserve me, because I deserve better. The problem is, I care for people. I have never truly felt specail to any romantic partner, and that all I want, is to feel specail for the specail person in my romantic life. I love myself, and because I see a lot of me in the people I once loved, I feel sorry for them, and want the best for them. I sense and see people’s highest selves when I get to be around them, and connect with them on a deeper level. So expect to see that person on the outside, when a lot of us will never try to live up to our best and highest good. I expect out of others what I expect out of myself. I know I can be better, and I wish for the better for the ones I truly care about. And when people don’t do what’s best for themselves, it angers me because I care so much for them. I am just so tired of thinking about the same people, feeling the same hurt and pain from the same people. I am so exhausted from the negative energy I am so sensitively feeling for. Because of my sensitivity to all energy’s, it drains me physically and mentally; and I just want it to stop and to end. I want to be able to live my life without analyzing every little thing and situation. I am tired of the fear and toxicity that I allow myself into. I am so tired of being jealous of people I shouldn’t even be around, or comparing myself to; because I one is the same or has the same life. I am a person, and I am so tired of fearing the toxic people who are back in my hometown, that I will see when I move back there. I shouldn’t fear their deceiving and toxic energy, but my sensitivity puts a strain on my entire being. I am afraid of letting those people back into my life by fault, because they are there, when I have more than enough power to say no to being around those people and surrounding myself with those people. I am struggling with caring what people think about me, when I am fearless. People tell me that I am one of the most independent and strong person they know. I know this is true, because I am I independent, and I am strong. My name means nobility and strength. I am these things, but I feel weak, and drained. I am not my relaxed and powerful self. My friends and the rest of my family are three states away, and I’m here feeling mentally, emotionally and physically awefaul. I know I have that light inside of me. I know that specail and light filling person is deep within me; but I am struggling with living my daily life. Amen.