15 JUNE 2020 Read Count : 35

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
I'm listening to the falling rain outside. It is past midnight. Usually I would love to climb into a warm bed after a bubblebath and drift off into a dreamless sleep. Not tonight. Not since you left my life. I'm tired of going to sleep and seeing you in my dreams at night. You are always there. The last time I dreamt you were pulling a blanket over me as I was falling asleep. Like you really care about me. I woke up more heartbroken and empty than ever. Even though I'm not alone, I am more lonely than I ever was. I woke up with the saddest fact that I will never be loved like that again in my lifetime. No one will ever hold me again like you did. How can anyone expect that I should forget you? How can they expect that of me? The hardest thing is how can you of all people expect that of me? 
How can you judge me for still loving you for so long? It is not as if I suddenly started loving you again.
I have always loved you. You were the one that pushed me away. I had no choice but to except that. But it never ment that I stopped loving you. Never in all the years have I stopped loving you or thinking about you.
It was the hardest thing to keep my distance when you were so close. 
Now distance is not an issue anymore. You left for good this time. I just continue with my life because I have to, not because I want to. 
If I had a choice I would love for my life to end right now, because not seeing or talking to you is breaking my heart every day. I may smile on the outside, but inside I'm allready dying.
I don't know why it had to be you. I don't know why when I dream, I dream of you.
Love is not a switch you can turn off and on at will. I wish it was that easy.
I wish I could forget you. I wish I never met you. I wish I could get you out of my heart and mind forever.
I wish I really could. I can't even describe how you made me feel the last time we talked.
How you must have laughed behind my back.  How you could judge me like that!?
Making me feel so worthless. Like I was the lowest piece of trash. As if you know my heart.
You don't know me att all. But somehow I still forgive you.You hurt me in the worst way like no one ever did in my life. But somehow all I can think of is all the things you did that made me love you.
Like that is outweighing everything you did wrong in my heart. All I can think about is you asking me if I'm okay. That is something I wil never hear again. I 'll never see your smile ever again.
If you should ask me now if I'm okay, even in my dreams, I'll tell you. No, I never was okay when you asked me that the first time. Not for many years. I'll never be okay without the one person that I thought really cared about me.



 
 

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  • Jun 14, 2020

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