Category : Notes/work

Sub Category : N/A

It's always the same thing, day in and day out the thoughts & feelings that become horrible realizations bringing nothing but emptiness as they embed themselves deep in the fore front of my mind. They mock me and make a mockery of my life resigning me to a shameful acceptance of the truth which was once so strongly fought off through denial and self delusion, an inevitable conclusion that I vehemently resisted for so long can no longer be denied.
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I have lost my self, my way, and my soul, the fire which once burned in my heart and set my soul alight fueling a seemingly infinite capacity for new challenges and excitement and an unquenchable lust for life's experiences and wonders has for reasons I know all to well been extinguished leaving me a broken husk of a person. I just wish I could throw away it all away, the endless shit that now makes up my wretched existence because I truly can't keep going on like this no matter how hard I try or how far I run it always catches up with me, I am drowning in mediocrity, shame, and fear and I simply don't know how much more of it I can take or how much longer I can hold on, I keep hanging on against all hope, clinging on with ever ounce of strength left in me to the near impossible idea, that one day this nightmare will end and my dream will begin again.
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Ever night it happens the sun slowly dips bellow the horizon marking the exile of the nurturing light, which is to be succeeded by the gradual encroachment of the shadowy blackness of nights darkness. As nights reign begins the people under its umbra begin to lay there bodies and heads down, letting the darkness carry there minds away to a world comprised of dreams and nightmares to, hoping to take sanctuary in there false reality until morning dawns once me. But for some the coming of night brings not the comfort of false reality and restful slumber but rather a lonely wakeful hell trapped in the solitaire silence of ones on thoughts and feelings racing around your mind offer no quarter for your troubled heart and tattered soul, like Sisyphus and his bolder you push away all the trash and refuse polluting your mind only to have it all come crashing back at you again and again. So there as I sit in alone at night and darkness begins to fill the room like a burial shroud, I sit laying awake in my bed praying to a god a no longer believe in. The silence and stillness of the twilight hours transmute into a cacophonous howling banshee in my head, for there is no peace or salvation in the black that surrounds me just loneliness and sorrow. Images dance and flicker in the dark my minds eyes tuning them to demons and devils, representations or maybe incarnations of the spirit that dwells within my on mind and body, the apparitions of fear, sorrow, pain, longing all the things that I pray to be released from. Will the light of day never come, am I condemned to linger in this darkness for all the days I have left to walk this earth. I wish someone would break the world I am dammed to know and free my life from this endless night.
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A monster lives inside me one created from within, a beast formed and tempered by the thoughts and feelings of it's farther and keeper. It dwells within yearning to be free, to scream, howl, and to claw, tear, and rend asunder all that meets it's gaze. A monster burn of darkness, nursed on pain, and sheltered with hate it grow strong on the suffering inflicted and received on it's keeper, his sorrows turning from salty tears into bloody wounds that bled black ichor warm and wet.