Hope Read Count : 35

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
  Have you ever felt alone? I mean truly alone. In a room overflowing with people, and yet, so unforgivably alone. It's the blanket that covers me at night, loneliness. When the sun sets and its time for rest, my thoughts turn into a torturous tide, a rolling morbid wave of death, that I just wish to be consumed by. But alas, I've tried. I've tried to let that suffocating undertow take me, I've even swum out as my far as my body could push through the draining act of swimming through my sea of acidic thoughts. But I always awaken on the shore of so called hope. It's an unlikely light that shines in a room so dark it feels like wet velvet. Just one, solitary light. One that shines in suffocating conditions. 
  To high to reach, but to low to suggest anything other than trickery, false comforts, and disappointing faith. Faith. It's a funny word. What does it truly mean to have faith in something? To trust and believe it without any reason? I haven't a clue. I've never truly understood faith, but I understand that it brings some happiness to own such a thing. Happiness is the most important thing in life, right? I guess so. Happiness. something I haven't truly felt in a long time. I can catch a glimpse of the warmth that radiates from it, but I'm never folded in its soft arms. I dwell within the darkest corners of my mind. That, in a way, brings me something close to happiness. It bring me security.   
  The darkness brings me security, wrapping me in its ever maddening presence. It's a very numbing feeling. My heart had stopped in my chest, collapsed and has left an empty hole. A vacuum in which I try to fill by the act of over indulgence in earthly pleasures. Still, ever empty is this spot. In this spot only two emotions grow. Hate, the absence of love, and pain, the crushing friend that follows most of life's pleasure. With those two in my chest, taking the place of what once held all emotions, I smile.
   I awaken with a smile on my face everyday. A mask I carefully pieced together. Made of carefully weaved lies and the small fragments of hope I still desperately cling to. And in the middle of said mask, lies a mirror of that one solitary light. The one that forever resides in the empty darkness. The one meant to lead me home, but has as well, lost it's way. It is alone, yet it still shines. It still lights as much as it can in it's unforgiving situation. It still has hope, it is hope. It is the only fragment of life that leaves me clinging to my crumbling sanity. It is the perfect lie.

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  • Jan 25, 2020

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