Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Spirituality

December 15th, 2019.... exactly two weeks since grandma's passing. I miss her. Sitting around moping or crying my eyes out is not something she would want me to do. I know that for a fact. And so, here I am, along with my mom, sister-in-law and my nieces and nephews, on board the ETS (Electric Train Service), travelling at the speed of 140km/h towards grandma's birth place - Ipoh; a northern state in Peninsula Malaysia. 

Looking out from my window seat, I see a canopy of light grey sky, overcast by heavy clouds. Could it be that the weather today is reflecting my true emotions at the moment? 

Truthfully, I am tired of hearing about the silver linings, and fed up with people telling me to try to “look on the bright side.” I am sick of putting on a brave face for the world, and I am done with people telling me that “the gain is in the pain”. Pfft! 

I lost two very dear people to me within the space of two and a half months apart, and they say "the gain is in the pain"?! Yeah, right! 

They don’t get it. They think my life is all rainbows and butterflies just because I mask my pain with smiles. They don’t understand. They only see the facade on the outside. They don’t know how I had soldiered on, how I had fought my way through the hard times, as if nothing is wrong. They don’t see the heaviness inside that I carry in my heart. 

Nobody knows how I struggle with pain of missing the two people I loved underneath my smile. I hide it so gracefully, with ease. Secretly, I pray that noone will notice the pain I am in. 

I want an easy fix, a quick way to end the pain. But I know I need to be patient. I have to hold on to my faith, hold on to that reassuring  little whisper that I will be okay again one day soon. I know if I can be patient, half of the battle is already won. 

Things happen for a reason. People don’t fail just to fail. They don’t fall down just to stay down. The letdowns, the stumbles, the heartbreaks – they exist to shape you, to help you grow, to teach you how to be resilient and brave. And if you are lucky, they might even teach you how strong you are. They force you to grow up, sometimes in a matter of years, and sometimes in just a matter of seconds. But in those moments, seconds, or years, you have learned that you are capable of getting through pretty much anything. And that realization is very special. So, I am giving myself some credit.

Every single time I thought life has reached its absolute lowest, worst point, I always bounced back. Every time life crushed my heart, it still continued to beat steadily and powerfully. Every time I thought my world was ending, I rose again. I have faith, eventually, I will feel okay again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not making light of my pain. I'm not saying that those moments were not painful. On the contrary. I feel that pain and hurt deep down to my core. I feel the dread and the sadness pulse through every single vein. But.... I can also see how remarkable I am for enduring those moments. Despite everything I'm going through, I am still able to look for the diamonds in the rough. I am still able to see the rainbow in the storm, even amidst the thunder and the pouring rain. I realize that enduring all of the unpleasant stuff has made me more sensitive, but on the flip side, it has also made me tougher. With each bruise, I have become more compassionate and with each blow, I have become more caring.

I wish I could turn off a switch so I could tell myself that because things will get better one day, I shouldn’t have to be in pain right now. I wish I could tell myself that because I will be okay one day, I don’t need to suffer this pain now. But I can't tell myself any of that because unfortunately, that’s just not how life works. I can however, tell myself that I can’t always base my feelings on the outcomes. I can’t always decide to be okay now, just because I know I will be okay one day. I have to feel all the fucked up emotions that are fucking me up inside emotionally and mentally. I have to allow myself to be sad or mad. I have to allow myself to cry big splotchy ugly  tears. At the same time, I will not forget that my smile is hiding somewhere in those tears.

Since pain had made the decision to hang out with me indefinitely against my will, I'm not going to let it stay for free. I'm going to use it to educate people with it. I'm going to let my pain teach others how to be kind. I'm going to let my tears show others what bravery and compassion look like. This pain will pass. And when it does, I know that I will be able to smile from my heart again. Until then, I'll just be patient, breathe, and chill.