Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Life is hard.

I would rather laugh than die.


 Speaking about to die, I’ve tried many times few years ago but I survived. He still HAS bigger plans for me, that’s what my friends told me the other day. I skipped Death many times then I survived. No, I don’t want to die anymore. Even I lose so many people. No, I don’t want to die like that.


 If only life as easy as we are all ever think about. Maybe there is no more failure we have to face it. Or disappointment. And nope, I don’t blame all things to all those failures scene you’ve got. We are all have been into that situation. And no, I’m not preaching right now.


Sometimes I was thinking it would be so nice if I could go back to my childhood days and never want to grow up. Being an adult is so depressing if you have set into the life where nobody taught you how, why, who, whom or where to questions. If you have a good parents and lucky you. I don’t have them, just saying. I meant, I have them physically but not for mentally and emotional support. Let’s skipped parental guidance here because I’m going to tell you based from one person point of view. YES. Me. 

 When I was a kid I remember I asked my dad about monster. Is it a critical question from 6 years old little girl before millennial era? I think yes. 
I thought monster could have been existed in my imagination when I was 6. They would come and destroy the city like Godzilla or whatever. So I asked my dad about it. A short mixed Chinese local man who loved to spend whole days watching News on TV, gambling and comeback home to hit my mother and acted like he was a hero looking for money outside through gambling. And fvck that if you were smart enough you’d be so rich right now with that mindset.


 “Dad, does monster exist?” I asked him at the evening after he sipped his black coffee. Oh, he loves coffee and I’m inherited his addiction with coffee then. He loved to share it with me but not black coffee instead he mixed it with milk.


 I honestly forgot what he told me about the monster question because even I had a strong memory I don’t remember him that much now a days. I don’t think he gave me the correct answer about it. 

 Long time ago when depression had hit me so damn hard, I thought about suicide many times. I attempted suicide but now after I survived from so many apocalypse in my life I understand not all things would work out like we were expected to. I was a deep thinker and I think too much but I am trying to control it. I don’t think that much about what will happen next. Usually I HAVE TO write long list in my head what would happen next and so on. That’s what my work mostly but in my daily life I’m trying to be as simple as I was before. I can’t stop thinking but I just try not to worry too much. Anxiety sucks, you know. 

 So rather than die, I’d prefer to laugh about it. And enjoy life.


 -Vivian Lin