Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I am having a some rough times lately.  But I've come to realize I feel this way quite often..  I'm 49 years old.  I have moderate to severe Rheumatoid Arthritis.  My diagnosis in 2017 was not surprising since my mom has it, and I heard there is a possible hereditary factor.  But it wasn't til after the diagnosis that I learned what that meant for my future.   I can guarantee that only RA patients "get it".  Or someone who is very close to an RA patient.  I was all about exercise and keeping my body in shape since I was a teenager.  Within a year, RA caused me to be mostly bedridden.  The fact that I was able to work, because I needed health insurance, was a mindset that still amazes me.  I cried in pain everyday after work.  It was that bad.  I also tried to trick my mind into thinking that at some point, this will all go away.  Everyday, my body reminds me that it won't.   I don't look as ill as I am.  Most RA patients don't.  I try to hide my pain.  I try to look happy and fine.  But the truth is, I'm not happy, nor am I fine with it.   I base this on the fact that others think I am just being dramatic, or seeking attention.  If I was, I could think of easier ways to get attention.  The worst thing to hear when I try to finally open up and be truthful is, "Oh you're too young to have arthritis!.  Let me show you the injury I had to my knee or my elbow way back when!" Or "My grandmother has the same thing!"  Or "You're just not taking care of yourself! Have you tried this remedy?!" Someone told me I should try this foot soak!  That it does wonders for her arthritis or her aches!  And she looked at me as if I was stupid that I hadn't solved my problem because of this!"  I was sure to be just fine if I did what she said!  I get so much more fatigued and stressed precisely because of comments like this.  Maybe I'm different, but I have never told anyone who confided in me their illness, what I think will make it better, especially when I didn't know exactly what that illness was.  I can empathize.  But I see that many people cannot.  Or maybe refuse to.  Maybe it's because they don't have a chronic illness, that has no cure, that only gets worse.  Maybe they just don't like drama!  RA can be paused somewhat, but if treatment comes a bit too late, as in my case, there was already significant damage done.  And the later you get a proper treatment plan, RA already took a toll on your body.  Something that it can't recover from.  But starting from that toll, you could possibly hang in there now.  And try to prevent that much damage from happening so quick again.  Writing about this, is my way of venting.   And I know that no one has to read it unless they want to.  I shouldn't let the comments dig at me so deeply.  I really can' t stand being brushed off as if I'm just making up something for attention.   I work so hard to try to feel like others that don't have an illness like this.  I don't like having to monitor my every movement.  And I try to ignore the signals from ALL my joints, and my organs, and my eyes, or teeth, because they can so quickly, take a bad turn.  I don't want this.  I don't want to be inactive and just sit or lay around.  I don't want work disability.  I don't want someone to help look after me.  But it's closer than I want to believe.  And it hurts to know this.   I will continue to try to beat RA, but I can't lie about what it's doing to my body.  It's here.  It's real.  And I want so badly, the acceptance from others, that if I'm having a bad day, that they're rooting for me.  Not blowing me off as if I'm just a phony, or a drama queen looking for attention.  Aren't there better ways of getting attention?  I surely wouldn't wanna go through, "what I go through" just for a little attention.  Acknowledgement is the word.  No drama.  Just truth.  And if you don't care, then don't pretend like it.  It's okay. But don't demean RA or other chronic illnesses.  They won't go away.  No matter how hard you try.   A.S.Jones