Transition. Read Count : 13

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
As a child , the thought of growing up has always excited me. Having the car of my dreams. Having a child of my own, being able to wear mom's high heels without getting beaten and sleeping without fearing the monster behind my door , being able to choose : I can go to school whenever I want. And I can take a moment at the time where I just freeze my life and chill. Life! Oh life will get easier. I grew up to the desire of growing up without knowing that a whole process of maturing and getting closer to the woman I am today is awaiting me in the corner. I've been always thrilled about my adulthood. Eager to grasp a little more of what life keeps giving me. But little did I know that maturing up has never been that easy. Little did I know that life always takes in order to give. I Thought I'd be free but never knew freedom doesn't come alone , it always comes coupled with responsibility. Freedom : let me take a moment to appreciate the greatness yet the freakiness of this concept : how come we're free while we're actually limited by the structural unity of our life : the decisions we take and choices we make. how come we're free while we know there's always a must awaiting for us : we must wake up and get to the uni , we must get our degree , we must learn , we must get a job , we must build a family. We must earn our stripes. We must socialize and let people in....  An endless cycle of tasks that keeps going on till comes our predestinate fate : death. and whoever tries to escape gets automatically excluded and eliminated. And there comes the moment while we're in an existential crisis asking ourselves : are we unquestionably free?! A never will be solved enigmatic question that leads to the real paradox a human being is. And  what I've come to realize during my short encounter with adulthood is that growing up is the process that takes trying to reach an answer that quenches our thirst to the leading question of our lives : who are we?. And here I am. Lying on my bed with my late night thought trying to stomach and embrace the changes I submitted. The phases I went through to incorporate the ventrusome dreamer in me.  Sometimes , all it takes is a song , a photograph , reuniting with an old friend to realize that we've really come that far. It was a calm regular tuesday until a close friend of mine sent me a song I used to listen to 5 years ago , one song is all it took for the memory of the angry girl I was back then to take place in my mind : I was so irritable , always looking beyond horizons , eager for more but never trying to value what I actually have ,physically unsatisfied and emotionally unstable. Trying to heal my wounds on my own. Fixing my own wings so that I can fly. I was always an oustider in the world of belonging. Never felt at home. Home? Well let me stop there and tell you what I thought of the word home back then it was the darkest corridor of my soul where I prisoned my own demons , home was the chaotic labyrinth of my mind I've always went in and never got out. Home was the darkness of my night thoughts and daydreams. And home was the corner of my consistently dark room where I can lay my body all day and think about life. At least about mine. The same corner I'm sitting in right now as I took a step back of that enraged girl, and now as I look from above I can clearly see that I was always the breaker but never the healer , the taker but never the giver. The hater but never the lover. I was the angry , the agonist , the overthinker that I admit I still am , the foolish , the rebel. I was nothing but a ghost-town. Of my demons.  The girl with the messy hair , the manly clothes and the eyeballs. In other words , I was the girl who's never good enough until I saw her in front of me , locked in a 4 wall room , on her knees ,  all naked and bleeding , wounded and stubbed. She was choking nd suddenly she raised her head , her eyes fixed on me. Heavily breathing she was trying to speak : i kneeled down , got closer to her took her hands and entaped her mouth and she started shouting out of the blue : "enough! Aren't you tired of locking me , aren't you tired of killing me then crying on my grave. Stop torturing me! Stub after stub I was struggling to live and what did you do? Murdered me again! Look me in the eye and tell me what you see ! Don't you see dreams waiting to be achieved , sensations waiting to be felt , roads waiting to be taken. Memories waiting to be born. Others waiting to be dashed. Pains waiting to be washed away and tears waiting to dry. A life waiting to be lived. You broke me down as you break everything that comes in yr sight. And now I say enough is enough. I can't take it anymore I can't. I've done my part and now I'm leaving . And you , huh You'll always live with the grief of assassinating your own soul." And it was then when I realized , I needed to be snatched away of my darkness. She was my saving boat and I decided. This isn't the world where I can let myself go.. so I took her side , kissed her wounds and healed her pains. i took care of her , showed her how she should be loved cuz I decided I wanted her back to life. And here I am today : a newborn woman taking her first baby steps , following her horizons , fixing her wings ready to fly. Here I am chasing my dreams and seeing them come to the world. Here I am writing the first words of my new chapter and setting my soul free. A warrior taking her first steadfast in the battlefield knowing she won't get back till she says cheers to the victory. Here I am not playing the doctor game but attending medical courses and going through lectures preparing to my career as an actual doctor. Here I am captivated by the game I am playing , hungry to life. And here are my 2am grown-up reflections about my transition to the woman I am today. Blessed be the road that lead me to finding me. Blessed be the fighter in me. Blessed be the lover in me. Blessed be the life in me. 

Comments

  • great

    Dec 21, 2019

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