Lov3s Read Count : 17

Category : Diary/Journal

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I’ve loved deeply 3 times in my life 


Once when I was 17

The other when I was 21 

And the last when I was 27


One was young love 

One was addictive love 

And the last was the love that moved too fast was short lived but left a huge impact


The first showed me what love felt like

The second taught me when someone says their not ready for a relationship, it really means they just don’t want to be in a relationship with you

And the last showed me that everything that glitters isn’t gold


All three of those men chose to be with someone other than or over me and gave them their seed.


I wondered why neither of them chose me?

Was I the problem?

What was it about me that they didn’t see a future with me?


My first love was a bad boy which initially attracted me to him. He made poor decisions and went to jail for a few years but before that, we had a real young love. The first boy I looked right into his eyes and said I love you and truly meant it. But we also bumped heads a lot and caused us to brake up a couple times. Not too long after one of our break up he started dated someone else. Me being young and him going to jail soon after (this may sound harsh) made it a little easier to move.


My second love always said he wasn’t ready for a relationship so it caused this on and off again cycle with us because I always wanted more. This dragged on for about 5 years. But I had some comfort in knowing that whenever I would end things with us, he would still always be there when I wanted to go back. Until he found someone he wanted to be with and finally told me no, he was done. I was heartbroken but also relieved at the same time. I was freed of my emotions. After that I decided to be celibate for a whole year. To get back to my spirituality, find myself and heal.

 

And this is when I met my last love. It lasted about maybe less than 8 months. He came out of nowhere, I wasn’t even attracted to him the first day I met him but I decided to go on a date with him anyways. That first date he was like a breath of refresh air, nothing like anyone I’ve ever dated. I thought so highly of this man. He was so perfect in my eyes. I fell hard, real hard! And that’s when he began drifting away. Later on I found out it was because he started a relationship with someone else but still strung me along for four more months without me knowing. Before that dramatically ended I completely lost myself, lost my self control, and even lost 10lbs from depression and anxiety. I felt like all the healing I had done was completely thrown away.


I started to self reflect and decided I needed to go to therapy when I lost myself, to try to fix whatever my issue was because I was beginning to think it was me, that I was the reason why nothing ever worked. I knew I was damaged and I knew I had no control of my emotions. 

In my time in therapy; which I was in for a year, my angel of a therapist helped me realize a lot of my problems. But most specifically my problem with the type of men I chose. 

I chose men who were emotionally unavailable. I’d never even heard of that phrase before. She helped me break it down and it began with all the men in my life 


Starting with my birth father. I only met him once, when I was 16yrs old. I am his oldest child and his only daughter. He’s still not in my life and doesn’t care to have a relationship with me to this day.

My father who raised me was always there from me as a child but as I grew into my pre teen years; mentally, he completely changed and I lost respect for him as a man and a father. It was like I lost my father.

My oldest brother was barely ever in my life 

And my closest brother who was a year older than me committed suicide 6 years ago


She helped me see the pattern in why I chose these men who couldn’t be there for me emotionally and it’s because I’d never had a consistent man in my life, even the men in my own family. Fuck I was so used to men giving me a little and then pulling away emotionally. That when I found a man who wouldn’t give me what I needed emotionally, I wanted him even more. 


Woah what a cycle. 


Although all that seems sad and heartbreaking; don’t feel bad for me! Yes it’s constant practice to break a cycle like this but I am forever thankful for all the men who made an impact in my life, whether it was positive or negative because they all made me want to be a better version of myself for myself. 


This year alone I’ve gotten “I’m proud of you’s ” and “congratulations” from them all and my ego wants to be like HA! But I’m not bitter or sadden by the death of those relationships.  I don’t need explanations or reasons to why. They played their role and I played mine in our own life’s path. And I thank them for that.


I know that I know I have a great life partner awaiting for me but until then I just continue to work on my inner and outer being. 


Generational cycles and curses are being broken. 

And that alone is the reason why I can truly be happy.


Comments

  • Nov 28, 2019

  • Maurice  Beres

    Maurice Beres

    Very courageous of you to share this journey with you and show the will to survive thede disappointments and fight for quality in your life🦋you now have a collection of varied experiences with relationships and that With you patience and understanding can guide you to what you are seeking I wish you the best 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

    Nov 29, 2019

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