Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

She wrestled behind a thick curtain of fog. It’s like driving a car in zero visibility. Her only goal for the day like any other day, was to survive. She just wanted to see, as clearly as she used to, before the fog descended and obscured her perspectives completely. She wanted to assume control, as she always did, and not get blind sided by circumstances, as she now seem to often get herself into.“It’s just a matter of focus. Just an ounce of determination”, she thought. Depression had always been a pain in the ass.It was never something that’s easy to wrestle with, much more so lto live with. Like finding one's self in a wrong marriage. It is anything but easy. It had killed millions, and it will continue to kill more.

She squinted in the light, never quite comfortable with its glare. The noise was bothersome. The motions too fast. The world is spinning, on fast forward, and she couldn’t seem to catch up. The effort to run after life is tedious, frustrating, like trying to accelerate on first gear. Her fuel drains faster than she can cover distance. 

Only her mind runs as fast as her surroundings, as if the only thing that’s untouched by her depression. Maybe, this is how it feels like to go crazy.When the mind runs away and the rest of you gets left behind. Maybe, this is insanity. When you live in a world separated by thick fog and darkness from the rest of the world’s reality. When you teether from the brink of confusion and vagueness. When the colors of life are simply repelled by your greyness. When tears do not need reasons to flow, and happiness refuse to penetrate your heart even if you beg, even if they beg, even when the entire world rally behind you…and yes,beg, though I doubt it. Depression is one strong willed monster.

They see her as a boring person. Someone who does not know how to live.Someone who is too intense and volatile. They had no idea. She wanted to live more than anything. She wanted to laugh and celebrate. She wanted to see the rainbow of colors like everyone else. She wanted to tame her mind, and she wanted to spin, like the rest of her world.But the best she could do was catch up. To manage her depleted energy as best she can, and still be able to kindle a sense of purpose in trying to rouse each morning. The best she could do was to continue to be significant. To not lose the rest of who she is to such a domineering disease. And to continue holding up the torch of hope to all those who suffer the same fate.She may be battling depression, but her every step forward no matter how slow counts as victory.