Psychologic Abstinence Read Count : 21
Category : Stories
Sub Category : YoungAdult
My mind faded in and out focusing on a merciful memory that would later take more affect on my psyche than the task happening to my blanked out body.
As I allowed the few actions to take place and I felt the inner disgust and shaking of my body to survive what was happening, I would travel into the depths of my memory and see the smile on my face when I was three. Knowing the vast and spacious area in the back of my childhood home, running straight into my father's arms and knowing nothing about pressure and desperation. My blue dress dancing as I ran along my brothers with our parents chasing us and tickling us on the grass while the sun glowed off ofall of us. We would all feel tired and return from the grass straight onto the patio to the back of the house.
"Your very beautiful, your so different and special. You make me so crazy", is all I could hear echo like an empty concert hall calling out "over here".
I would now return into reality wishing I could lock myself up. I didnt want to be associating myself along with any of what I was allowing. Yet with the shadows surrounding me and my hands disappearing and being swallowed as I reached out many times to call for help it would only prove that I would either have to become the light or keep subjecting myself to being cast aside and objectified with just a feeling of anxiety and fear that would evolve into anger.
As I now was trying to attempt to keep my sanity from the fear and anxiety mixing like dangerous chemicals and creating anger, he would only add on to push me back down as hard, but as soft he could trying to maintain a certain vibration of security which by this time wouldn't calm me nor help me. I didn't know him and he knew this. I had felt this very eagerness off of someone before. That familiar scent of sweat and excitement from the next person towards me was malodorous.
He went under my shirt and I moved up and away as much as possible. He grabbed the back of my neck. I told him I wanted to just go and let go of any arrangement that he was seeking for the evening. He refused quietly to keep his discretion and his voice, if any, silent. Victim whispers in one ear, stupid shouts in the other. I shake and immediately jump back from pressure. Fear is the first chemical to go off. I feel and see as my body is drowned with fear while the back of my mind speeds up like an adrenaline rush mixing anxiety slowly as the anger builds up immensely.
I jump up and he throws me down by my head. I take the money out and apologize and ask to leave. He patronizes me by attempted to offer to court himself with me without an arrangement... I say quickly I dont feel good. He doesnt listen. I, now, wrestle out of his grip and run to the door. I quickly fling it open and slowly walk out as I now feel him watching me. His fear of getting in trouble or even causing a scene for himself helps me to walk away with no regard to the situation. I get away. Yet, I cry to the protection that I once felt at three and now I deal with what feels like consequences of life handed to me by the loving demands and hate of my birth givers. Now how do I live loving myself without knowing what love feels like from others. A forgotten feeling is as empty as a house with just a bed and nothing more and I still make the bed and I still sleep in it while shadows continue to surround me.