Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Relationships

If you are reading this with the hopes of finding wisdom and guidance, email me and I will try to point you in the proper direction. If you, like me, struggle with having to share the planet with others, then you are exactly where you need to be.

My social handicap didn’t bloom overnight. It’s been a very long and arduous ride; next stop… Crazy Town. This ride has been through many places along the way that made the ride itself just… Well, crazy.

I have met so many interesting people in my lifetime and have had a ton of friends. In fact, if you knew me in middle school and the first half of high school you probably remember an outgoing and very social person. The summer before junior year I kind of disappeared. I ghosted everyone.

I talked to a couple of people when my junior year began, but was becoming more and more introverted, paranoid, and just unhappy. I left high school after Christmas and later got my G.E.D and went to college as an adult. 

Being my kind of crazy gives me the ability to easily begin friendships and romantic relationships, but maintaining them is almost impossible. I don’t show up, I’m late, or I simply vanish from your life without warning.

I often get to the point where I can’t handle the responsibility of the relationship, and I begin to disappoint you. I get overwhelmed and anxious. When you have problems, I can’t be there for you because I can’t even handle my own shit. 

I hate it because I truly am a caring person. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Well… the list of people I want to hurt is very small.

The older I get, the weirder and crazier I get. The weirder and crazier I get, the smaller my social circle becomes. I go to amazing lengths to avoid people. I will say anything, fake an illness or injury just so I don’t have to see anyone.

Maintaining relationships when you are mentally ill is possible, so I have heard; although the one’s saying “it’s possible”, are probably irrevocably sane.

My tribe consists of the freaks, the weirdos, the outcasts, the capricious and socially inept. My people!

Maintaining relationships within my tribe is not difficult because they understand my weirdness and love me anyway. They accept me with all of my eccentricities and even understand my disappearing act. When finally seeing or speaking with me they simply act like I never disappeared in the first place. I’m not “shamed” or made to feel like there is something wrong with me or that I’m a terrible person. 

I know that sometimes we have connections to people by no choice of our own and the only thing I can do in that situation is deal with it the best I can and hope I cause as little pain as possible. 

My best efforts might not be the vision of me you or anyone else creates, but I will always do my best with what I know and have to give.

Maya Angelou said it so elegantly when she said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

This is me. I’m crazy, weird, emotionally unstable, and I make a lot of mistakes. I’m also funny, smart, empathetic and when I love, I love hard. 

So, in conclusion, maintaining relationships when you’re capricious and socially inept can be difficult, yes. If you are one of us then know that your people are out there and support you. If you are clueless to my tribal ways, all I ask is to open your mind a little wider and please try to see that the universe from our eyes is overwhelming to the point of debilitation. Let’s be kind and accepting of one another. 

"Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.” – Joubert Botha