Please Kill Me... Read Count : 21

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
So.. im making a decision to write about what my depression feels like...so.. lets get on with this...

Being depressed obviously isn't easy.. 
Its not just sadness..its more..
And sometimes.. it can be absolutely horrible...
But depression could also have the affect of.. sadness, anxiety, anger, insomnia, insecurity, fear, loneliness. 

And as im still d e p r e s s e d it truly has affected my life.. like

Its harder to get out of bed, its hard to get school work done... ive also lost a lot of motivation.. 

Now.. about those.. voices.. they have haunted me ever since my parents starting abusing me, and yes i was abused but im in a foster home now so dont worry.. anyways, the voices still haunt me sometimes..

Sleeping has also been a trouble for me..
 Only falling asleep at 3am...
Having little fear within the night...
Being tired the next day...

School? Well it honestly only makes me feel worse.. the kids who bully me.. the teachers who put tons of work on me... 
The security who put fear into me..
Theres only ONE person at school i can trust..and when she told me she was gonna go to Korea..? I felt scared..she was what made the school feel safer.. but now that she was L E A V I N G . . ?
what am I gonna do without her? How will i get through the day? She was one of the popular kids.. but she was a kind kid... she kept me safe...

She also knows about my depression...

Anyways...
I havent lost much weight..

Why..?

Well..i binge eat..i want to stop..but i cant.. its too addicting..i want to stop myself but i cant...im ashamed of my weight..which is why.. i cut my thighs up with a small razor...

I also cant stop cutting...its also becoming an addiction..how do i stop? Im scared to get help.. what if they HURT me?? I tried to tell my mother.. she only gets mad at me for being sad, she says.. "you just need to THINK POSITIVE" WELL ITS NOT EASY TO BE HAPPY IN A FEW SECONDS MOTHER, I WISH SHE WOULD JUST UNDERSTAND BUT SHE DOESNT! SHE SAYS SHE DOES BUT SHES LYING! SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!

sorry.. but really.. she doesn't understand...

Also..ive been having the same nightmares every night...

And sometimes i feel hated... also...

Suicide? Ive been wanting to commit that for a long time now.. but im still alive..sadly, but ive been trying not to kill myself..sometimes i choke myself.. but then stop knowing i shouldn't kill myself...and the cutting seems to numb the pain i feel...

And in general? Life has been really hard so far, it isnt getting better either.. but im gonna keep trying until i really do fail completely... 

So that's it...my depression summed up in a writing..bye and have a lovely day people...also just know your beautiful no matter what anyone says...


Comments

  • Coco ....

    Coco ....

    this honestly made me feel a little better.. also if you know anyone whos suicidal (dont pick me please) then please tell an adult or hotline and help them, also.. make them feel loved, ok? anyways have a great day people, <3

    Oct 28, 2019

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