Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

January 1, 2017 @ 0221
Rang in the new year @ 2nd Chance House after spending the day with Carmen Bess-Durin. We did a lot of running around and got some shears, rods, a trash can 4 my kitchen & bags 4 my new apartment. Then we went 2 Saturdays NFL ( new found life ) C.A. group & Grace Revolution Church where they had an awesome speaker, who knew my old running buddy Benny Bowman, as the guest speaker @ this New Year's Eve service/meeting. The dance after the speaker
meeting was music especially geared 4 the late teens/early 20's crowd, not 4 the 60  
  bunch that we were, so some of us old hipster foggies boogied on out 2 the 101 Club where the live band played blues like Stevie Ray Vaughn, Almond Brother's, Eric Clapton, B.B. King and more!! O, yeah, it was still quite loud but O so much better!!! I met a guy, James, who asked me 2 dance. O, wat fun! I love 2 dance & he was a great picture pardner 2 dance with, sexy moves, we just groved N sink & had a marvelous, marvelous time, shaking out all of the poison Accumulated thru out the last quite rough year. But all that aerobic exercise...wow, I am not as young as I want to B!!!
Kinda huffin' & a puffin' & breathin' hard.  Definitely need 2 put down the cigarettes. So, Midnight's here, we exchange passionate kisses hugs gropings...ahh, I am still alive, still sexy, still interested in getting a little humma-humma-baby!!?!🤸😋💃🎇!!!! So, 2017 started out clean, sober, nicotine free, new apartment waiting 4 me, sexy man arousing me, fine live music moving me, new friends that R fuckin' crazy like me, 2 actually have intelligent conversation, playful jokes, heartfelt stories about the real deal of R hearts & somewat bruised souls.... It's a fantastic time N my life. I have received real hope...O, hope was so lost, so barren, life w/o hope is...O, I can't explain 2 U the depth of the emptiness...
hopelessness... I am so N need of love, friendship, meaning, purpose, and finding hope once again  after so long; B4 I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, loosing my mind I was beside myself especially after having to put down my darling baby, Mr. Mohawk Moses Moe December 2016, he was 15 years old, blind, deaf, arthritis racked his tiny body...O, I didn't want 2 let him go meet his maker, but I plead 2 God, "Thy Will Not Mine" N hope that I could bear the sorrow & do right by him, my sweet pup, my buddy, my sleeping mate, dear puppy's kisses, walks...the only male N my whole life that truely loved me, never cursed me, beat me, cheated on me, put me down, make me want 2 die or run away...ahh, it was so painful, I loved his big brown eyes, brown hair, scruffy little beard,  O, and those precious puppy kisses N the morning B4 R walks, alas, I am convinced that it was indeed his time 2 go...so, I held him N my arms right 2 the end, 2 his last breath, then I prayed 4 his darling Puppy soul 2 B N watever puppy heaven R creator of the universe has provided 4 this sweet loving companion...and I let him go. Now I was really w/o hope. Loosing him just compounded my already twisted, lost, addicted, hopeless state of mind. So now I  am starting over anew...w/o him, w/o  any 4 legged legged children or even 2 legged children, or Mom or Dad, or husband, but the miracle of God's steadfast love 4 me opened doors that I never dreamed were even there, ultimately providing 4 my heart, allowing me to find some hope.🐕🤧😁Well, it's been a large day, evening & nite, gonna go get some sleep 2nite and start moving N2 my new life, new apartment, a new creation of God's love.
********************************January 2, 2017 @ 2210**

I got all my bagged up clothes, microwave & some food & a lamp, a few blankets 2 make up a pallet 4 sleeping on the floor w/ , & a pillow ( no bed yet ), a clock radio so that I can listen 2 National Public Radio & know wat time it is, my meds, books, toiletries, 2 towles, a fork, knife & spoon, 1bowl, 1 plate, 2 glasses & a skillet w/ spatula moved N2 MY PLACE. I put up the curtains that Carmen & I bought. This apartment has nice big corner windows on the southwest side. Perfect 4 house plants. Set up as best as I can B N my apartment on W. May Street. I called out 4 Chinese food from the Great Wall Restaurant...teryaki chicken & shrimp fried rice. It's very good & I will have some food 4 2morrow left over. Go 2 get the car from Nancy Parker @ Church of the Savior, they donated it 2 me!!! That IS a life changing event; haven't had a car since 2011. Did some on line job applications. Found a site 4 CareGivers, a companion/home care organization, & also some fast food & waitress jobs & factory settings as well. I just hope that my money holds out till I can get an income agoing on, but I have hope. That's a lot; Hey, didn't make it on the cigarettes deal. O, boy my, my, will have 2 try again, mayB I should get some gum or Patches.
I called Billy Haney N El Dorado, got ahold of my old counselor Diane Briggs, & 2 former friends & co-workers, Becky & Flo. They're gonna B references 4 me as I am also gonna B seeking a job back N the medical laboratory technologist line of work. That's where I can find the money. That's what my education is N & where I have spent most of my working life doing. But I have some reservations about returning 2 that professional medical setting; it's highly stressful work, very demanding, unforgiving; everything has 2B done perfectly, accurately & STAT. I really don't know if I can do that anymore. & then there's the emotional feelings of working w/ folks who R often desperately ill, N pain & scared, many all alone w/ no one 2 depend on emotionally, 2 comfort them or help w/ the trying task navigation of a foreign medical language & doctor talk. I always had a tendency 2 internalize & take home both the stressful aspects of the exacting, quick paced work, but my compassion 4 the patients that R sick, especially when I was working N NICU & PICU  w/ those tiny precious & extremely I'll children. I never had any children of my own & caring 4 them was my only way 2 sorta fulfill my "mothering" instincts as surrogacy intended w/ love. Working N a job that doesn't really matter what I do or how PERFECTLY accurately & if I inpact on the actual wellbeing of another human being...U know, like, ahh, fast-food, or mayB Wally-World?? Seems kinda attractive 2 me. Probably still be stressful aspects of the job, but w/o the life & health & death of human patients care. I just don't know if I have it N me @ this place N my life 2 return 2 the medical laboratory technologist line of work. Well, we'll C wat happens.  Often potential employers looking @ my resume say I have 2 much education, or believe that I would B disatisfaction doing something like fast food or factory or retail sales or anything else outside of the laboratory; it's hard 2 explain 2 them how much I want 2 escape from the caregiver position of my working life.
I know that I can have worse problem, & the fact that I am also over 60  is also a good reason that potential employers R looking 4 a bit younger employee than me as well. Can't do anything about it. The plain fact of the matter is that I can do anything, I'm smart, learn quickly, am a people person, have a great work ethic & the there's the plain down & dirty fact that I desperately need 2 work. Just have 2 have faith that God has a plan & didn't bring me along this far only 2 drop me on 2 my nose! Yeah, have 2 keep my face turned towards the light, Even if 4 the moment I cannot C.... Good Nite & Later Gator 🐊
1st nite home!
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January 3, 2017 @ 2100
2day has been an amazing, awesome day, productive, hopeful 4 work & dreams of a better future & possibilities of great things & ways that I can give 2 the real world w/ care & love. Gotta getta going 2 find something 2 work on 4 money...mayB just something generic, mayB Wally-World? Or McDonald's? Temporary Job Services? (doing exactly what I don't know?!), on-line applications 4 everything from A 2 Z, caregivers, service work, waitress, factory settings, art, writing, moving 2 a foreign country & teaching English, getting a pickup truck & starting a new business venture 2 help fill the needs of folks like me who have friends who can help me out with moving N2 a new place to live, but R lacking N & having a hard time getting a pickup truck 2 actually move w/;  K8T Moves : We've Got D Truck, U've Got D Muscles!  HA! Wat a hoot! Could work!? Hummm....there is a need...ah, well, dreams, dreams R good 4 U. I also, by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin, pulled off getting the rest of the deposit & rent paid 4, insurance, tags & taxes 4 that car my church is donating 2 me. Can U believe it...so, I not only awoke N my own new apartment & life, but I received a life changing event, transportation of my own! Wow, it's been years since I have had a car!! Or a place of my OWN! Then I attended the Titus Group Women's Bible Study & Prayer Meeting N the loft room over @ Meade's Corner  N the Old Town District downtown Wichita 2nite. Could actually attend & DRIVE myself HOME, not having 2 beg 4 a lift or walk 3&1/2 or 4 miles back N the  dark through a rough part of town 2 that temporary place where I  was allowed 2 lay my head. Wow, wat a need fufilled.  It's a while since I have felt so much better & part of something larger than myself, something w/ meaning, peace of mind, balance, renewal, purpose, love...they (the facilitators of the Titus Group) sponsor the 2nd Chance House that gave my homeless self a safe, temporary shelter 2 live N while I looked around 4 permanent housing. I know that my apartment is a God deal...I had insomnia so bad when I lived there @ 2nd Chance House & was helpless, old, desperately alone, practly broke, well, I really had no where 2 go but 2 my knees... prayer request saved me...N my fretfully, manic, early morning insomnia driven needs, I knew that exercise could help me out with depression anxiety and manic release, so each day @ 4:39 or 5 AM, N December's cold & snow, B4 dawn, B4 the rest of the world had started 2 stir, I dressed warmly & took off walking N the silent darkness of pre-dawn, singing old hymms, praying out loud, begging God 4 comfort & direction as loudly as I dared ( I didn't want 2 get picked up by authorities 4 being crazy or mayB 4 disturbing the peace ); I walked 4 miles each morning, N prayer, watching the sun as it peaks over the east horizon, birds singing, B4 all the neighbors R starting 2 get around, retrieving newspapers, taking out the trash, warming up cars, sending off the kids 2 catch school buses, walking their dogs, the new days life coming around & on these early morning prayer trecks I saw civilization unfold. I had a route. Stuck 2 it each day. But 1 morning @ my 1/2 way point where I do my about face & return 2 go back, I just decided 2 make a right hand turn & go on a path unknown 2 me. Y I turned I didn't know. I had already walked over 2 miles, but anywho, I saw, N a few blocks, some brick 4plexes. There was a 4 rent sign outside. I could C that the front corner apartment wuz empty. Humm, wonder how much 4 rent? O, God, then there's the deposit...wonder wat utilities R involved? O, well...so I just took a look at the place & made a mental note about it. Did my about face & headed back 2 the house. Then the sun really came out & shinned intensively sparkling on the snow & ice covered ground. Man, almost 2 brightly! & while the sun shines, it also started 2 snow! Okay, later that morning, Mimi, my pastor/mentor from COTS (Church of the Savior), stopped by the house 2 bring me some food & a few wrapped up presents from the congregation 4 Christmas. Jeeze, that really touched me. Well a few days after Christmas, but better late than never, @ least I got something 4 Christmas! As we visited 2gether I told her about the apartment 4 rent. She said, "Let's go ☑️ it out!" 
So we bundled up & went out 2 find that place. Okay, we found it & while I was looking N the windows of that front corner apartment, Mimi had called the # on the sign & had the landlord on the phone! She got the details of the rent requirements & set up a meeting w/ the property owner 4 later that day! She took me back 2 the house, told me all about the wats & where 4's N order 2 rent the apartment & when she'd B back 2 take me 2 meet w/ the landlord later that day. I expressed interest N getting the place, but by now it was really snowing hard, could we travel N this weather? & money...my SSDI ☑️ wouldn't B available until the 1st, etc....Mimi just smiled & said don't worry, we can work on it & C about making it happen if I want 2 get this place. She left me, heart N my throat, head swimming N amazment over the possibility of finally getting a space of my own, no more roommates, somewhere 2 build up a new life @....& PRIVACY! Could it Be?? Wuz this Prayer Answered? I wuz almost 2 afraid 2 even think that it could happen N fear that if it doesn't work out I couldn't bear the let down! Mimi came over the hills & thru the woods 2 get me 4 the appointment w/ the landlord later that evening & I had enough money 2 put down a deposit on the place. I needed 2 get all the utilities N2 my name w/ the confirmation #'s 4 new service B4 I could get a key, & I could pay the balance between the rest of the deposit & 1st months rent whenever I had saved the $, but B4 February 1st when the 2nd months rent would B due!! O, MY GOD! Did this really happen?!?! Mimi & COTS didn't have 2 bail me out w/ $'s. I had saved just enough 2 do it on my own!!! GOOD HEAVENS...I HAVE @ LAST A PLACE 2 LIVE!!🤣🤩😛🙊👼🤸👍💓💥🏡🌄☀️
So...
Here I am. About 2 spend my 2nd nite HOME!
God is good
God is great
He will answer
If U have faith!
*****
Psalm 139
O Lord, U have searched me
& U know me.
U know when I sit & when I rise;
U perceive my thoughts from afar.
U discern my going out & my lying down;
U R framilier w/ all my ways.
B4 a word is on my toung U know it completely,
O Lord.
U hem me N- behind & B4;
U laid UR hand upon me.
Such knowledge is 2 wonderful 4 me,
2 lofty 4 me 2 attain.
Where can I go from UR Spirit?
Where can I fleeting from UR presence?
If I go up 2 the heavens, U R there;
If I make my bed N the depths, UR there.
If I rise on the wings of dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there UR hand will hold me,
UR right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me,
& the light become nite around me,"
Even the darkness will not B dark 2 U;
The nite will shine like the day,
4 darkness is as light 2 U.
4 U created my in most
Being;
U knit me 2gether N my mother's womb.
I praise U Bcuz I am fearfully & wonderfully made;
UR works R wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from U
when I was made N the secret place.
When I was woven 2gether N
the depths of the
Earth,
UR eyes saw my unformed
body,
All the days ordained 4 me
we're written N UR book
B4 1 of them came 2
B.
How precious 2 me R  UR
thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of
them!
We're I 2 count them,
they would outnumber the
grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still w/ U.
If only U would slay the
wicked, O God!
Away from me, U
bloodthirsty men!
They speak of U w/ evil
intent;
UR adversaries misuse UR
name.
Do I not hate those who hate
U, O Lord,
I have nothing but hatred 4
them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, & know
my heart;
test me & know my
anxious thoughts.
C if there is any offensive
way N me,
& lead me N the way
everlasting.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
👼
2nd nite N my home
Praise God!
🤝🤸💞👍
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January 4, 2017 @ 2242
It just keeps getting better! Woke up quite early, around 0300. Got up, fixed breakfast then went 2 Eye Opener. I saw Randy, Don A., & Peggy.
I really enjoyed the meeting & Butch celebrated 25 years of
sobriety! I had asked Peg 2 B my sponsor; she said that she doesn't "sponsor" people but she will go over the Big Book w/ me. So after the meeting we sat down & went over some of the preface & title page. Peggy sure does know her stuff! It was an excellent "meeting after the meeting". We will get 2gether again soon. Then I went over 2 Crossover & meet w/ my pier mentor, Clair. She made some amendments 2 my resume, set another time 2 meet w/ her, & Tamara also, 4 next Monday. I called my case manager from Home Base Community Service 4 Independent Living, Cindy, & set a meeting w/ her Tuesday. Next, Toastmasters! This was my 1st Toastmasters Meeting since 2007. Larry P. set me up 2 become a member back N 2005 right after I came back 2 Wichita 2 take care of Papa after Mom passes N 2005. I always enjoyed the challenges of public speaking; it's a very useful skill. But extemporaneous public speaking makes me learn the ability 2 think on my feet & being able 2 do that really enhances UR communications all across the board. & there R folks from all walks of life, all levels of education & w/ so many points of view N Toastmasters. I felt that the whole ball of wax offered thru Toastmasters could do nothing but improve me. So I was excited about going back 2 the club. It was a great meeting & afterwards many members came up 2 me not only 2 welcome me 2 their group but to say that they thought that I had done very well! Yep, that made me feel very good! I spoke 4 times & either the topics we're easy 4 me or I still had skills N me from when I was a regular member B4, still able 2 think on my feet! This was going 2B a great tool 4 building up my self-esteem. I am really happy w/ myself 4 making good choices N my life. After Toastmasters I applied 4 a home health care job. They requested 3 professional references, I only had 2, Flo & Becky. Then I thought of Sara who worked w/ me 4 many years. I called her & asked her if she would B a reference 4 me. Sara not only said that she would B a reference 4 me, but she gave me an inside tip about a position that would Be coming up soon but as of yet hadn't been posted or advertised.  It was w/ a new start-up reference laboratory called Heartland Pathology. Excited about the possible opportunity 2 get N on the ground floor of a private reference laboratory, I zoomed across town 2 put N my application as soon as I get finished @ the home health care office. I arrived @ the lab but no one's @ the front desk so I ding the bell on the counter. & low & behold guess who came around from the back 2 speak 2 me but Kathy who had been the Department Head of Hematology @ the hospital I worked @ 4 over 18 years! I knew her quite well! My heart leaped N light of this fact. So it seems that Maybe have a leg up N this situation & w/ Flo & Sara also bring R former co-workers as well as personal professional references 4 me, well I just might have a fair chance @ getting a position there. I feel good & hopeful after I finish up @ the lab. MayB returning 2 my profession is wat I'm supposed 2 do after all.  Food 4 thought. The rest of the day went sailing by, busy getting the rest of the stuff from 2nd Chance House, arranging my scanty possessions, fixing a little sumthin' 2 eat, taking a nice hot bath, & listening 2 a blues program on NPR. I read & re-read Psalm 139 quite a few times; made me remember this afternoon @ Toastmasters... this man recited a fairly long poem that he had written, it was really good & from memory, no notes. Impressive! I want 2 start memorizing my stuff, other poet's stuff, & favorite scriptures 2! MayB # 139'll B a start.☝️Or Jeremiah 29:11-14? 
4 I know the plans I have 4 U, says the Lord, plans 4 welfare & not 4 evil, 2 give U a future & a hope. Then U will call upon me & come & pray 2 me, & I will hear U. U will seek me & find me; when U seek me w/ all UR heart, I will B found by U, says the Lord, & I will restore UR fortunes & gather U from all the nation's & all the places where I have driven U, says the Lord, & I will bring U back 2 the place from which I sent U N2 exile.

🤗 Okay, Goodnite🙋
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January cold, 5th, 2017 @2137
Hello it's me....2day wuz great up until 1715 this afternoon. My car died N Dillon's parking lot.Tryed 2 jump it...not working; mayB the starter! Who, U think can help? I don't know what 2 think! It's freezing outside!  My phone is dead also & I'm flat broke. Nside the store, a clerk let me charged my phone, I called 2nd Chance House. Thankfully, 2 former roommates came 2 my rescue N this freezing snowy dusk, got my groceries, took me home, helped me out w/ taking them Nside my place & putting the groceries up, let me fix something 4 us all 2 eat w/ made from scratch Coco powder Hot Chocolate w/ tiny marshmallows & whipped cream on top 2 warm & sweetN R froz-up selves, then took me back 2 the house 4 a small group Bible Study Prayer Meeting 2B led by Jennifer, 1 of the sponsors of 2nd Chance... she's a terrific teacher & she also did me a favor by giving me a ride home from the meeting Nstead of me having 2 walk the 2  miles home N the blizzard like conditions @ 2130 @ nite! When I got home I was hungry as I can B, so I fixed a big pot of homemade potato soup, very good, if I do say so myself, & had a big bowl of honey french vanilla Greek yogurt w/ fresh blackberrys 4 dessert! Ummm, good!   & plenty of the soup was left 4 2morrow, mayB even the next day as well! Earlier 2day, B4 it all went South @ Dillon's parking lot around dusk, I went 2 a new counselor, Patricia. She's going 2 work on my deep core issues...never have I been 2 a therapist who payed such attention 2 get my story rite N her mind & 2 HEAR ME, me, all I have 2 say, the whole convoluted tale from as far back as I can recall 2 watz really going on w/ me 2day!! OMG!! So excited 2 have found her! We had a session that went from 11:00AM past 15:00! 4 hours of sharing w/ her! WOW!; & I will B CN her N 2 more days as well. Finally, a professional psychologist who isn't watching the clock & worried 'bout wrapping up the session but going w/ the flow of my own Nsides & fragmented emotional feelings!  O, such a great time w/ her, I am so hopeful working w/ this lady!  My birth mother, Erma Marie, said she'd send me a ✔️ 2 help me out w/ food 4 the next few weeks until I get back 2 work &/or get the settlement from the sale of my parents house that is pending. She called me B4 my phone died N Dillon's parking lot while I was frantic & freezing outside w/ the disabled car, then during the Bible Study, & my crazy " Yo, U R phone is ringing, answer the phone, don't even think U can ignore the phone, Yo, answer the phone!" ring-tone cracked up everyone @ the meeting when she called me back again. A touch of comic relief from a serious N depth study of The Sermon on the Mount. I didn't get 2 visit w/ her 2nite so I will have 2 make sure that I call her back 2morrow morning. Also N the morning, I have 2 call this attorney 2 C if she'll represent my interests N the sale of Papa's estate. Supposedly I will not only receive $ ( 1/2 of price of final sale of the house ) but my mother's collection of original art, a beautiful Oak curio cabinet, a 3' X 3' walnut coffee table that Blonged 2 Betty Ainsworth, a wonderful woman that was 4 practical purposes my grandmother when we lived next door to her on Pinecrest, B4 David, her husband, died & she left me that table via Mother, I have been waiting 4 that table all of my adult life, mother's collection of original watercolor paintings by her, her matching quilted yellow rattan chairs, & an 8 sided oak dinner table w/ matching chairs. Bcuz I need 2 get furniture 4 my apartment & also a bed, the real possibility of getting these things from my family is fantastic news. But I have 2 make sure that I am not going 2 get a shady deal w/ dealing w/ the estate & the people who R gonna handle the sale & make the other stuff available 4 me 2 take 2 my house, thus an attorney. Also 2day I met w/ my new sponsor from R.I.P.  (recovery  in progress), Suzie; we went over "The Doctor's Opinion" N the Big Book. I think that she'll B a great sponsor & working w/ her as well as Peggy is going 2 B a big   4 quality sobriety. & I ✔️ed on that laboratory technologist job 2. Well, no news about the job yet. I will call again Monday. Whew! Have 2 find someone who can help me out w/ fixing the car &/or removing it from the grocery store parking lot. 2morrow's gonna B busy. Okay, I guess that's about all I have been working on N the last 24. I's berry, berry, tired. Gonna say my prayers & go 2 bed.
My God Is An Awesome God! Nitie-nite.
It's me.🙋
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 Friday nite, January 6,  2017
@ 2245, almost 2morrow!?!
Praise God!