Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

When your first impulse under marital stress is to seek a diversion it could go one of three ways: money, sex, or misery. Usually my most readily available is misery. But misery loves company, so next is sex. Not always is sex available, and sometimes it is downright unavailable. The last resort should be misery, but money takes that cake for the moment. Why spend hard earned dollars on a temporary state that I vacillate toward so frequently? In fact, I can pep talk myself out of sex and misery too if I tried hard enough.
What is the point of restraint in a marriage. To thine own self be true... but to your own spouse use a facade? That seems incongruous with their being your better half, and when a spouse already struggles it is dubious that any form of dishonesty is fortuitous. See? I'm hiding behind big words cause I'm scared. I'm scared of desires unmet. I'm scared of unhappy restraint. I'm scared of the death of my spouse and being alone, but Im scared of SELF CONTROL. What if saying no to urges opens the chasm of unhappiness? There is such primal natural happiness in forbidden fruit- be it sexual or financial. While the conscience breeds terror the liberation breeds joy and sweet sensation, to whit matrimony is void of that. There is no crazy passion; no carnal fulfillment; no explosions of sensation. Just last night in the heat of passion every motion was felt and needed. Every inch of erection was taken and drove me to such peace it was almost spiritual. At the end of it all, though, a lover went his way and I returned home with an empty heart and a prayer that my drunken spouse would be asleep. What is the phrase? "No love is lost?" "All that glitters is not gold." Which choice will last? NEITHER.

"...Down the valley of the shadow, Ride boldly ride," the Shade replied- "if you seek for El Dorado."