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Sub Category : LifeStyle

I can't get this thought out of my head. Its getting worse. And I just can't help but think about it. And I just don't know how to explain it but here's another way of putting it. I have this friend conner and he is my life. He is like a brother to me. If I had to I would die for him. And I wouldn't give it a single thought. I can tell him anything, anything in the world. And I trust him. And I am going to admit to this, I am suicidal and I hate it. But he is too and we made one promise that none of us will break. If I was to kill myself he would himself. If he was to kill his self I would kill myself. Yes it sounds like a toxic thing it sounds so bad. But its been working, and working well. But there was this one time he hurt me in a way nobody else could. It was during my A.P when it happened. He got a girlfriend😊😊 and I was so happy for him. But she was the jealous type. Basically he couldn't talk to other girls besides his girlfriend of course. So when I got this news I was broken inside. He blocked me too. The only thing I thought at that moment was, did he really just leave me for a girl he just met. sitting in class reading the text message he sent to me tears just started running down my face like a waterfall. Everyone disappeared, everyone. My world went black and I felt broken. But it wasn't the first time I felt like this. But it was the first time it hurt this much. I wanted to die. I was just crying in the dark with my heart getting ripped out if my chest and I just wanted to die even more than I already wanted to. Then the bell started ringing and my sences came back to me. When they did the teacher and my friends were surrounding me with pity and worry in there eyes. But I didn't say a word, I just got up and left ready to go to my sixth period math class. Instead of going to my locker to grab my math binder like I usually did I just went straight to class. I didn't do any work or even put my head up. I just sat in my seat crying. My teacher offered to take me to the guidance counciler. I refused her. My seventh period class went the same. And then boom school was over. There I was heading to my locker grabbing my things with blurry vision still crying ready to go home and scream in my pillow. I told my mom I was going to walk home this time. It was a 2 mile walk. My eyes were so puffy and red by time I got home. But I didn't care. Do you know what that taught me? It tough me that no matter how much you love it care for someone, in an instant they can just throw you away like your nothing. And I know friends come and go but he isn't just a friend, bestie, best friend, of bff he is my brother. And that's a bond stronger than anything into this world to me. But even with that fact he still threw me away. And now just thinking about that I want to just kill myself because it won't matter, its not like anyone will miss me. But I know that's a lie because my mom gave birth to me and wants to see me grow up until her last dying breath and after that too. My dad will lose apart of him and so will my grandma. My dog, my brothers. I don't know about anyone else. but I know the people that I had conflicts with will have the burden of the thought that they were to blame even though they weren't. And last but not last if I kill myself so will be. My brother from a other mother will die too. I can't bear the thought of this. I don't know what to do. So if your still reading this what should I do. Because honestly I don't know anymore.