Whole - Part 1 Read Count : 17

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
What did I see when I looked at myself in the mirror? 
Did I see someone I love? 
Did the reflection reveal all the work I have put in? 
Did I see my growth? 
Did I see my potential? 
Did I gaze at my reflection with love? 
Or did I judge some parts when I looked in the mirror? 
Did I focus on the pimples, scars and tiny imperfections? 
Did I buy into the story that I wasn't worthy of love without achieving perfection?

These were questions that played in my mind a while back when I was evaluating myself. Questions which required me to look deep within and answer with total honesty and truth. 

And I did. 

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a woman that was half beaten. I saw a person I used to love and wondered what the hell happened to her. I saw the work I had put in and my heart broke to see that it did not match the reflection that was staring back at me. I saw my growth, I saw my potential, and I knew I needed to get my shit together. I tried to gaze at my reflection with love, but I just simply couldn't. I judged myself, harshly. I didn't focus on the pimples, scars, and tiny imperfections, I zeroed in on the tired eyes, the worry lines, and the ashen face that appeared to have lost its glow. But never once in any of those times have I ever bought into the story that I wasn't worthy of love without achieving perfection. No siree.

Yet, something felt off in my life, like the balance just wasn't right. I've had that feeling for a while but had chosen to ignore it, in foolish hope that it would miraculously right itself. And when I finally came to my senses to consciously acknowledge the truth, that's when shit got real for me. I realised I was at a stage of "in-betweens"; suffocating in a place that no longer works for me, and itching to get to a place where I can breathe better. 

I wanted something better. No, I needed something better. I knew that in order to achieve that, I needed to make changes, make better choices. I recognized the transition that I knew would happen - a transition from who I was to who I'm going to be. Yes, I was ready. I was ready to embark on my new journey. Ready to part ways with the old me. 

I was at a stage where I was tired. Tired of getting cut and bruised, tired of wincing and sometimes even writhing in pain. I was tired of the same old song and dance. I was ready for a change. Ready to start anew. Ready to start a new chapter and write a new book. 

To kick start my new journey, I knew I needed to make some changes. I left a lot of things behind; what I used to think, how I used to feel, what I used to be. It was the end of my former life, my old self. Something like a tree shedding its old dead leaves to prepare for new arrivals; for a new season of life. Or like a caterpillar getting ready to try out its new wings to emerge as a butterfly, ready to dazzle the world with its brilliant colours. That's what the transition felt like to me. It was both scary and exciting not knowing what the new season holds or what the next moment might bring or what beauty or ugliness will end up surprising me when I am least expecting it. But the transition was necessary for me. It was time. 

That period of transition, brought new discoveries in so many ways. I am surprised by what is happening to me internally, I am surprised by what I am doing in regards to what's happening internally, and I am surprised by what I am growing into. 

It's like the master craftsman is painstakingly and lovingly chipping away at the unwanted bits and pieces of my being; to create a masterpiece or rather to uncover the masterpiece hidden within. It's scary not knowing what He's trying to unveil. But still, it's also exciting to find out the end result. 

In many ways, I am still pretty much a work-in-progress. But looking back from where I was to where I am now, I can clearly see how far I've come. How much everything has changed. 

Life is uncertain. Unpredictable rather. But then I guess, that is the beauty of life. I learn to accept the uncertainty. And then, love it, however gradually. Because now I understand better. I understand that I can't swim if I'm too busy fighting the currents. And at some point, I learn to stop being afraid. I befriend my fears, I master the challenges and I own my life. 

I realise now that life is not about struggling to survive the setbacks. It's about learning to welcome the challenges, and going right through the core of it, and coming out on the other side. Sure, there is always the possibility I'd be bruised, battered and drained along the way. But a winner, a fighter, a lover of life, with all it's colours, with all it's beauty and ugliness, is a lover till the end.

I am at a very good place in my life right now. It all started with a choice to change. And that choice had opened a door that led me to a whole new world of discoveries.

Comments

  • Aug 21, 2019

  • Aug 22, 2019

  • Maurice  Beres

    Maurice Beres

    As usual you detailing is immaculate - Pointing out all the negatives in your life opened the door to transition Experiences that were positive joined with the negatives and gave you a blueprint for your future The mirror incident where you not only looked at the superficial but most important at the inner you You are on your way You are amazing and inspirational

    Aug 23, 2019

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