Category : Books-Non-Fiction

Sub Category : Biography

From my memoir
This is not how I am today 


September 2009

     I can't stand people who pass by, glaring with smug eyes, as I take a pull from a cigarette. They'll do this even when I'm twenty-feet away from an entrance, blowing the smoke up to get lost in the sky. My daydream buzz will be interrupted by fake coughing as if they're choking on the second-hand smoke I'd blown in the opposite direction. It's a pathetic attempt at getting my attention. 
     My head will never make the full turn toward them. It's enough to tell them they have may have my attention but not my respect. Everything before this next part is inevitable, but what happens next is always something different. 
     Most of the time, especially if it's a group or family, they'll say something to one another that's intentionally loud enough for me to hear:tell me smoking kills. They could never understand the reason why I smoke, and how it will kill me long before smoking does. 
     "Ugh, disgusting."
     "Filthy smoker."
     "Isn't that illegal? It should be."
     Most of the time, it's the kids who instigate the phony coughs, followed by a childish comment to the parent, or asking, "Mommy, doesn't he know that smoking is bad?"
     This, I don't mind so much. It's a fair question. I ask myself the same thing. Didn't I know smoking is bad—Especially since Dad smokes?
     It's the other kids who think they're older but are still holding their daddy's hand who may, depending on my mood, receive a personal comment from muah.
     After his fresh air-induced coughing fit, the boy spits out, "Don't you know that smoking kills?!"
     All depending on the circumstance, will he be given back: "Don't you know you're too old to be holding your daddy's hand?"
     Or, if I'm feeling rather peachy, "Oh, I know. And I also know you, little boy, will be doing the same thing when you're my age, because life sucks."
     I shouldn't react like this—ever. Especially, to a child. But, then again, shouldn't they mind their own business? And what kind of parents are these people being in front of their children to have them think that kind of behavior is tolerable?
     Sure, I know smoking kills. But if people only knew the reason why I smoke, and how it would kill me long before smoking ever did, they wouldn't say shit. 
     I don't blame the kids, ever. They learn from watching and listening to their parents or guardians. And these parent-guardians are stuck-up assholes where I grew up.