Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

There was a time in my life where I would have given anything, just anything to be able to turn back time. Even if only for a while, just to be able to relive some moments. Moments that will never return, moments with that specific someone....  when things were fine, when things were happy, when things were uncomplicated, when things were beautiful, when things were meant to last. I would have given anything just to hear that familiar voice, call out his name once again, just to feel that comfort. 

And during that time in my life, I did try to fight the yearn, I tried to shut out my thoughts.... but failed miserably when during the course of just another regular day, a song that I didn't even share with that person comes on the radio suddenly reminds me of him and I found myself in tears. 

But why???? 
What on earth??!! 

Did it evoke long forgotten feelings? 
Maybe. 

Song playing on loop, I curled up in a foetal position, tears streaming down my face, feeling so many things.... all at once. It was pure torture yet, I didn't want the song to stop playing. I knew I could stop all of it in a moment.... but I didn't want to. 

Why???? 

Maybe because I felt that some losses need to be grieved, that I needed to honour my feelings, that I needed to honour what was once shared. Or maybe because I felt I couldn't avoid what still affected me, even if I didn't want to notice it, or at least I tried not to notice it. 

It was really messed up when a song I heard for the first time reminded me of so many things. When it reminded me of the warmth of being held and comforted, of falling asleep peacefully feeling rest assured. It messed me up even more when I wanted to feel those moments one last time and my rational mind butted in with all the realistic explanations while I just wanted to tell my mind to butt out and leave me alone. 

Those days are gone now. The blinders have been lifted. I no longer want to turn back time, to relive fleeting moments. I no longer yearn to hear that voice. His name no longer escapes my lips. I no longer crave his presence. And he no longer mean anything to me, just another page of my history. 

I am finally free! 

Free of the chains that was binding me. Free to experience joy and truly be happy. Free of the baggage known as Nicky. 

I am finally free to be me. 
I am finally free to be free. 
And I owe it all to Zuhri.