Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I have been absent (not actively writing) from Writer's Outlet for a little while. I wasn't away frolicking in the sun on some fancy vacation, I was actually on a mission of self-recovery. Although in the past I had always turned to writing as a way of self-therapy, however, this time it didn't work for me. There was just too much going on in my life and within myself that I was overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. 

The time away has been hard as I navigated healing from a divorce, and narcissistic mental and emotional torture while simultaneously choosing to find the balance to self-heal. Though I did not cry a lot, my heart felt like it was constantly breaking, and many days I couldn't even tell what I was actually sad about. It was just a blur of pain, stress, and sadness. 

It took me to the very breaking point before I felt myself shift. I was spiralling fast and hard down the black hole of depression and feeling myself grasping out for help anywhere I could. After 35 days of being in the company of three extraordinary individuals in a place that offers health therapy, I emerged realising that the sadness I felt was so deep because I had opened the door to feel things I didn't even know I still stored in my body. 

I was mourning the divorce to a man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I was grieving the loss of a home I had built with the man I married who was my best friend. I cried for the fragile woman in me who I couldn't protect from narcissistic predators. I forgave myself  for all the self-loathing I've carried most of my life. I wept for the times I'd been cheated on and closed my heart down a little more. And I screamed about how hard I felt life was, how everything seemed to get harder no matter what I tried to do, and how the emotional hell felt endless. 

Most of this was under the surface and I don't blame myself for any of them or for feeling any of them so strongly. I'm not embarrassed about them. And yet, while I was in it, I judged myself. Harshly. I told myself that I was supposed to be able to be happy. I had the tools to do it and so I must be a phony to have so many people think I was a very wise and strong woman. I convinced myself that my sadness was a sign of my inadequacy. And that created even deeper sadness. 

In my search to self-recovery, I began to wonder if there are others out there like me. If there are others who have judged themselves or are currently doing this to themselves. I wonder if there are others who feel so deeply and assigning the meaning that what they feel, or how deeply they feel it, is wrong. Is sadness something to be embarrassed about? To me, personal development is about being happy more often, not ALWAYS. And it may take some sadness to get there. It's a gift. That's how I choose to see it now. 

During this hiatus, I've been reminded of one of the greatest struggles that each of us face in this life - when our circumstances provide some unpredictably shaky ground upon which we find ourselves trying to balance. And when this happens, it is important to remember where we actually stand. There will always be one person here on earth more powerful than any other in affecting and shaping the life that we lead, and that is the amazing person whom we see each day when we look into the mirror. 

I recognize while others can be beneficial in providing resources and opportunities, only I can choose whether to utilize them or not. I could win the lottery and have all the financial freedom in the world, for example, but only I could decide how the money would be spent. I could find myself in any number of places and in all different types of situations, but only I get to decide if I'm going to stay there or move forward elsewhere. 

I am the master of my own life, and that fact can be both daunting and empowering at the same time. I can live under the unfortunate delusion that I have no control over my life and keep finding and making up excuses, which I'll admit is certainly easier, or I can accept that I am powerful and capable, taking the reins, willfully steering myself in a better direction, and accept accountability for what may come of my choices. It's truly one or the other. 

Bottom line, the lesson that I've learned from this journey of self-recovery is that.... I am human. I feel. Deeply. And that's okay.