Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I don't remember when I last looked at the stars.... but tonight, I see a starless sky.  As sparkless as I feel within, as empty as the black hole, though most days, I put up a brave face and pretend to be whole. 

I try to create wholeness within myself and make a conscious effort to evade this empty feeling, which by the way, is not quite an existential crisis, but it's something that could pass as just another episode of over thinking everything I'm about to do for the next few months. 

I sit here and ask myself.... 
What is the overarching theme in my life that sparks the most joy? 
What do I want? 
Do I even want to be in the state of wanting? 
Am I just ungrateful for wanting more and rolling my eyes at every trite statement about gratitude? 

I can lie to myself and say I'm perfectly fine and don't want anything more, but I know it'll just kill me inside if I have to blow out the spark within me and keep me plodding along in stupor for the rest of my life, never even trying to ascend above all the constraints that keep me in such a lowly place. I am lowly because of my fears. I let the external world control me and keep me afraid of reaching my fullest potential. I believed in the fears that say I'm never going to amount to anything, and then I lie to myself and say that yes, they were right all along. 

I have made myself the greatest enemy. 

But then again, I don't want to pursue pipe dreams because they aren't worth chasing after. I can't expect them to give my life any meaning if I haven't dug deep enough or created meaning for myself. I've finally come to accept that I will never write a 21st century version of War and Peace, or become the Asian version of Maggie Rogers, or have highly glamorous photos of me promoting some high-end clothing brand. Those are all external things. Things which are not relevant to who I am today. 

A lot of these aspirations don't spark joy for me anymore. 

I'm not sad about it, though I do feel numb at times. It's a sign that I've grown up. But even so, I'm not jaded. I'm just more discerning of what feeds my ego and what truly feeds my soul. 

Some people say they want to change the world, but most just want to make money, have a stable job and not starve to death. Some folks want to find their passion and make it their life's purpose. Others scoff at dreamers and do everything they can to discourage them. Thing is, some of these folks are quite intelligent and rational people that I find myself nodding with them and questioning the unrealistic side of me. 

But I can be as passionate as I am pragmatic. Full of high hopes, yet crushed by the weight of the world. Foggy-minded, yet crystal clear. Child-like, yet weary with age. Feeling lost, yet already knowing the answer. Wavering between two extremes, but it's confounding how I can feel everything all at the same time. 

I'm free to be who I am, but I don't feel so free. I know I'm already complete as I am, but the emptiness still lingers. I can be happy, but most of the time, I'm confused. It's a state of miserable madness that's oh so magical. 

Pretty messed up, right?  Yeah, that was me not too long ago. 

Today, even though I feel directionless at times, I'm happier that I no longer try to prove a point or make my life goals more grandiose than other people's, because they have every right to want what they want and live their own lives. I can only be happy for them. Happy that they are empowering themselves and listening to the callings of their hearts, and I can't stop them from doing so. Then there are those who settle and believe that every year after this one will be just the same. I have nothing more to say to them except to wish them well, even when it's sad to see them living with indifference. But what they do or choose to do is really no concern of mine. 

All I have is me. I am who I am. 

I was meant to fly. I am a bird in spirit. I am a woman of the wind. 

When I'm writing, it feels like I'm flying. When I'm singing, it feels like I'm taken by the wind and sky. When I'm reflecting, it feels like I'm creating my own light to shine upon the waters. I can make the sky sing and waters dance under the light. I know I have the power within me to make my life beautiful, whole, and full of joy. That power was there before. I am confident it still must be there. 

But over the years, I've had my wings clipped by those who believe that their power is greater than my own. I've silenced the voice of the wind. And in doing so, I've silence myself. 

No more! 

I know I can reach the top of the mountain if I try hard enough, but at the same time, I still have that gnawing fear that I can't, even though it wouldn't matter at the end because I will be forgotten and washed away by the rising sea, just like everyone else. Reaching the top won't make me feel whole or give me a sense of meaning that I've been longing for. But then again, I don't want to stay at the bottom forever either. 

I go through most of my days questioning my purpose. Sometimes I try so hard, but I never feel like it's enough. There's a deeper yearning within me that keeps me restless at night. I dream of finally arriving at a place where I feel like I can rule my life. To create some form of paradise. To promise me heaven on earth. To always be in flight and never be on the ground, caught up in the stormy seas. 

But this lofty ideal has evaded me and I don't see it happening anytime soon, no matter how much I try to keep this hypothetical future within the palm of my hands. I used to be a control freak who held onto things too tightly for my own good. I just couldn't help it. I tried to put my entire future into a list so that there are no surprises, but what good does that do if my present didn't turn out exactly like the list that my past self wrote? 

Maybe the future isn't about arriving at a certain point, seeing that all points ahead of me are uncertain. 

I recognize now that the best thing to do is to let go of the sense of urgency to assign myself a purpose right now and instead allow myself to just be. Whether it's lost or found, empty or whole, light or dark, a bird in flight or a bird in a cage, taken by the wind or washed away by the sea.... there's a time and place for everything in life. I choose to be at peace no matter what the future unfolds. And I choose to feel whole even when my dreams never unwind. The unconditional love I have for myself is more than just a state of mind. It's a way of living. A way that sparks joy. 

I recognize now that in trying to gain control over the future, I am actually squeezing the life out of it. But when I let go.... it eventually finds its way back to me. Not in the way I expected, but I can still make it my own. 

Yes, even amidst the starless sky... the power of Trust is still there.