Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Have you ever felt lost, alone, missing?
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wonder where you are in there? If you could possible fine a way out.

My entire life I’ve been avoiding truths. Speaking falsely. Not exactly lying but not being honest. I used to tell myself I wasn’t afraid of anything. That I was stronger than anything that life could throw at me. That I was and am okay alone. Part of me still relies on those lies. Part on me leans into them for support, for strength because the truth is even if someone cared enough to help. Even if that person showed up, I could never lean on them. I could never trust them. Because in my mind, love is conditional if I made one wrong move itstop. So why trust something that is so fragile? Why form something that is bound to leave me walking on egg shells? I already have enough of that in my life so why love? Why fall? So I can live a normal life will the people who made me this way? The people who I love more than anyone in the world, who I would quite literally die for, and the people I can never tell how I feel. If I’m angry, sad, or upset because we don’t do those emotions. We don’t support each other not in that way so why continue the cycle? Because clearly I don’t know how to do emotions or love beyond just being there until they leave because of course they’ll eventually figure out that I am broken. 

So why type the pieces back together? Why show anyone that nice girl I am for my parent, or for my friends that knew me before? Why take a chance when doing so just pulls the other person down with you? Because make no mistake, I’m falling. I’ve been falling for a long time, and I would never dare to reach out.... not when I know the momentum will just pull them in will me. 

So where am I? What do I see in the mirror? I see the scared girl that everyone else looked over. I see the girl that used to hide in her room and cry her eyes out because it hurt more than they knew. I see the girl praying for it to stop, but most of all I see they girl that made it through. The girl that’s still here. The girl that refused to push the knife in. The girl that doesn’t have any scars on the outside. The girl who is here. And yeah maybe she’s broken, but she’s what she had to become to be here today. And I know that she is strong enough to make it through anything that is thrown her way even if she’s alone.