Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

There's so much noise going on in my head. Noise that just refuse to shut up and be still, noise that has been calling my name, messing with my brain. 

I've tried putting up a soundproof wall in my ear, hoping it will kill the noise,  but there were cracks in the wall.... muffled noise managed to penetrate. 

I made a conscious decision to meet him. I had no plan in mind, I don't know what would happen, I had no expectations. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to see him. No, scratch that. I needed to see him. 

Not going to lie, I was nervous as hell. I chose to brave it out. I opened myself fully and just show up to the unknown. Putting my entire trust on my faith in God, I stepped in and went with the flow. 

It was hard seeing what I saw. It was hard seeing the broken man in front of me. It was hard seeing his internal pain dancing in his eyes. 

Knowing that I am one of the contributors to that pain, my heart broke for him. 

Knowing that he's missing me, that he still loves me,  that he still needs and wants me when by law he's already lost me..... My heart broke for me. 

People always talk about relationships not being easy. Well, I'm here to tell you that divorce is not exactly a walk in the park either! It messes you up internally. You'll find yourself having more arguments and conversations with yourself. It makes you put everything under a microscope. From your findings, your heart will be crushed all over again, sharp splinters of glass feels to be stabbing your brain.

It sucks! 
I'm just finding it out now. 

'Uncoupling'. This is how I would describe my divorce. Two people so aligned with each other in mind, body, and soul, had somehow found themselves on a broken path. They know they now have to chart their own journey without the other but they both have a hard time letting go. It's not easy to ignore the matters of the heart. And that's where all these noises are coming from. 

"Why am I so reluctant to walk away?" 
"Because I feel sorry for him?"
"Because I worry about him?" 
"Because I feel guilty?"
"Obligated?"
"Loyalty?"
"A sense of duty?"... 

"How did this happen?"
"How could she do this to me?"
"Doesn't she know how much I love her, that I can never love another?"
"Has she no heart, does she even care?"
"No. This is unacceptable. I'm so not okay with this!"

I am where I am now because of love. I choose Love and this is where it led me, where I'm supposed to be.... sometimes confused, sometimes blur, sometimes realistic, sometimes duh. 

It's hard. 

I just hold strong to my Faith by leaving it all in His hands. I truly believe there is light at the end of this road, maybe even a pot of gold with silver lining waiting for us when we cross the threshold. 

Everything happens for a reason. Right now, "reason" is the mystery. 

There's more to this story. I can feel it in my bones. 

Watching him cry while I held my composure made me feel some type of way. It breaks my heart watching a grown man cry. It wasn't those silent, single teardrop kind of a cry. He sobbed his heart out.

Maybe I am a lot stronger emotionally, or maybe I'm just better prepared.... at that moment right there, I felt the strength scale tilting more in my favour.

Do I feel empowered by that? Or do I feel empathy for him because of that? 

He is struggling. His head is a mess. His heart is in complete chaos, and his spirit has gone into hiding. He's a wreck. He's lost and feeling lost. 

I sat with him and spoke to him, not mouth to ear, but soul to soul. With Faith intact, I dove in. I opened myself up and released the very life of me to tackle the situation. 

My soul showed up. 
His showed up too. 
And so, the conversation between two souls began. 

He has a lot of digging to do, a lot of layers to peel in order for him to be able to make sense of this uncoupling. He's struggling to accept it because he's struggling to understand it. The noise in his head is even louder than mine that it keeps ringing in his ear like an annoying reminder. It makes him hard to move, like he's drowning in quicksand. It's frightening. It's overwhelming. It's so darn frustrating..... I know that because I feel it too. 

I want to help ease his pain, take his hand and help guide him to light.... but I know I'm not supposed to.  It's not my place. It's not my job. 

This is his test to handle, his cross to bear. This is his chance to redeem himself. To find himself again. 

He needs to figure this out on his own. 
He needs space and time. He needs to set his own pace and decide on the tempo. 

I'm choosing Love again by giving him his space to create his own container. 
I want him to heal. 

It's true we are no longer husband and wife.... but the bond we have built together, the deep love that we have for each other, that's never going to change. 

He and I didn't meet by 'accident '. 
It was also not by coincidence. 
It was written. 

I'm not trying to lead him toward me.... instead, I hope to lead him towards himself. I hope to touch his life in such a way that as I reach out to him and touch his soul, his heart illuminates the world around him with the Light of his BEing. 

That's what this uncoupling is to me. 

What's done is done. 
What needed to be said have all been said. 
Hearts were crushed, tears spilled, we've gone through all of that. Done and dusted. 

Now what? 
What's the next step and course of action? 
What's the game plan? 
What do I need to apply to myself for myself? 
How am I going to show up for myself? 
How do I execute this part of my story? 

I need to heal too. 

I have been so concerned about showing up for him that I haven't shown up for myself. At least not hundred percent completely, and that is unhealthy for me. I've been shoving my emotions into storage that the door is going to burst open at any moment. I need to sort out the clutter, put things back in order and prepare to move on from here. I've got a lot of work to do on me. 

Question is.... how do I kill the noise?