Perspectives Read Count : 118

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Some people sees cigarettes as a slow death and others see it as a funny habit to show their maturity others see it as slow suicide others see it as there one and only friend well for me cigarettes are made for broken people anxious ones it don't reduce stress i know but every time you inhale smoke you lose one day of your life i see my life as combination of traumas lost and depression i spent my childhood as a grown woman girls used to buy dolls and make up and my only escape was staying in bedroom staring at the walls watching every single fracture in the wall wondering why its painted of white instead of blue or yellow my happiest color was black and still it is ut represent the real me a black whole of anything bad you can imagine i wear black most of times because i feel comfortable in it it shows the real me an accumulation of sadness misery you know i started to go to school sitting at the last table in the rang to not be seen or touched ppl touches disgust me i was so quite even though i tooked high makrs in classroom i was always trying to not look smart most of girls at that age where in love with somebody while all i was thinking about is how to save my mom from this shitty life i started knowing guys and all of them where like friends to me i wasnt as good as other girls in love affairs guys never knew my secrets or pain i was always hidding stuffs afaraid of misjudgement or problems i like quite life most of ppl dreams of being rich and i wont deny it being rich will solve 80% of my problems now but when  you are rich you're sureounded by fake ppl who wait for you to fall so they can take as much as they can i lived in house in wich my father started from 0 he has nothing in his pocket to feed his wife and his little baby most of people despise him even though he was a man of honor and honesty he started from the bottom untill he made a fortune and i grew up one day i was sitting beside him under the night sky he told me i know i have moneey now but all have is problems and suffer wish i was in small house with my family happy and in peace his words for me are unforgettable we talked about many stuffs like this when i had panick attack and even though i was suffering i  understood that someday i will take that huge responsability of the family i know he let me down but he had his reasons but this gave me the courage to now I'm started from the bottom and im doing it for him and mom and sisters its never easy of course theres alot of difficulties and im sick mentally and physically but i dont give a fuck about myself all i think about is the well of loved ones i don't want my sisters to start overthinking same as i did at their age i dont want them to live what i lived i want them to have a good and comfortable life no matter what it cost me and im not happy about that because i know at that age ill be very sick and i won't  enjoy but seiing the people that you love happy has no price theres no better feeling as that and if i died before i do that all i can leave for them is my book so when theyll grow up they can understand that im responsible im determined i take my strenght from my pain and thats what my father did and so do i and thats how i will be proud of myself im trying my best but no knows what will happen tomorrow maybe i will suicide wich is not an option for me at my situation now maybe i will lost my sanity but i prefer slow death wich give me some time to see them grow up and to do what i must do wich is success you know its like a warrior who have been fighting for his whole life and when he won the war he figured that he was profoundly injured so much that he kills himself to reduce pain.

Comments

  • No Comments
Log Out?

Are you sure you want to log out?