Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

(Read the last two parts before reading this.) 

Things I Dislike About Myself

My trusting nature
My kindness
The fact that I don't really speak my mind
The fact that I don't show my emotions very much
My temper
My crying
My avoidant persona
My paranoia
Since I did things that I love about myself why not do things I dislike about me

1. My trusting nature

I won't lie my trusting nature isn't necessarily a terrible thing about myself. There are instances where my trust has come and bitten me in the ass. These times will be mentioned later on when I talk about it. I have trusted things that have changed me, I've trusted people who turned around and stabbed me or any of my friends in the back. Things like this are the reason that I see if a person should be considered a friend, but sometimes it's harder for me to tell if the person will turn around and stab me or my friends in the back. Like I've mentioned before, my friends are like my family and if someone hurts them, I will destroy them. Vice versa, my friends would do the same for me. 


2. My kindness

This kinda ties in with the other one and it also comes and bites me in the ass. People believe because I was raised to be kind and easy-going that they can take advantage of me. I'm not the smartest person, but I'm not stupid. For example, in my history class, there were these people in my class who would purposely sit near me to take advantage. One in particular tried to get in a relationship with me. His codename Pretty Boy. Now we had a substitute who allowed us to listen to music. I like metal so I listened to metal. This son of a bitch decides to come up to my desk and say "What are you listening to." To which I reply with, "A song." He then proceeds to rip out one of my earbuds and take a listen. I was listening to the song "Somebody Someone" by KoRn and it happened to say this;

"I'm frying in a pile of shit, I'm dying, I'm dying I'm dying."

Then he pretends to like it and I didn't call him out because of my damn kindness. I shrugged it off, but there would also be instances where he would try to strike up conversation about metal, which he knew nothing about and, pissed I walked off. So my kindness can be a good thing or it can be a thing to which it bites me in the ass and people take advantage of me. 

3. The fact that I don't really speak my mind

I hate that I don't speak my mind to liars and fakers. It's all because I'm shy and I don't want to be noticed. I only do it when people are making fun of me or my friends. The only rule me and my friends have with each other is that the only people who are allowed to make fun of everyone in the group is anyone in the group and said person. Back to the history story, so Pretty Boy continues to listen to my music then the song "A.D.I.D.A.S" by KoRn starts playing. My face turns bright pink, not because I have a crush on Pretty Boy, it's because, for those who don't know A.D.I.D.A.S by KoRn stands for "All Day I Dream About Sex". So it gets to the pre-chorus and chorus which is as follows;

"I don't know your fuckin' name so what let's fuck" 

And

"All day I dream about sex, all day I dream about fuckin'."

Pretty Boy starts saying that he "loves this song and KoRn". In my head, because I'm not dauntless, I'm saying, "Bitch please, this band was popular in the 1990s and I doubt you know the lead singer and the and album name." I rip my head away and put my earbuds back in. I wish I had spoken my mind so badly because I was pissed. Shyness is a bitch. 


4. I don't show my emotions very much

I hate that I don't show the emotional side of me. This is because a lot of people can't read when I need a hug or something and they brush it off like it's no big deal. The good thing about this is being able to take much and not let it show (sometimes). The thing is that people think I have no emotions which is complete bullshit and it fuels my rage inside. It hurts to be called emotional, but it hurts ten times worse to be called emotionless. If I show that I'm sad, I'm called emotional and if I show anger I'm called a heartless bitch. But guess what, when I'm angry I'm like a wildfire. Over the years I've grown to hide when something upsets me or irritates me. However, my friends have always been able to tell if I'm anything other than happy. 

5. My temper

This ties into number four. The reason I try to hide my anger is as follows:

When I'm angry I'm very loud
I lash out at anyone even my friends
I become very irritable
These things happen when I'm angry and I can't count the number of times I've lashed out at my friends. I, one time, bee slapped my friend because he was being an idiot and I was in a bad mood. I love my friends and I'd never want to hurt them, but it happens sometimes. 

6. My crying

This also ties into number four. The reason I hide my crying is as follows:

I have a very ugly cry
I'm labeled as emotional
My friends try to hunt down the person who made me cry
I usually have a hard time calming down
These reasons make me not want to cry. However, because of the amazing friends I have in my life, they help me calm down and try to murder the person who made me cry. Sometimes I wish I didn't have emotion, but that's what makes me, well, me. 

6. My avoidant persona

The problem with me is when I have to interact with people I don't know, I curl into a ball of shyness and I'm usually afraid of rejection. When I'm rejected, I cry for about 2-3 hours while eating chocolate. My emotions suck. 

7. My paranoia

Due to reasons I will elaborate on later, I have paranoia. I don't like the idea losing someone or dying.