Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Self Help

Fighting for my life what may be the last few minutes. Grab onto the ledge of the cliff of life that I have recently fallen from. Looking down below, trying not to let go. I know if my fingers slip I am to fall in the black abyss. My strength growing weary. My eyes fill with tears, my ears begin to burn. I feel the sadness, the rage. People tell me to hold on a little longer and in time things will change. Everything just seems to remain the same. I show numbness to the people outside but on the inside it's quite the contrary. Pain flowing in my veins all throughout my wirey bloodstream. My chest burnes, my heart beats fast like that of a hummingbirds wings. It seems all my efforts to remain stable are in vain. Not knowing what lurks in the darkness beneath me. Not knowing how long pain, and rage can keep me in such a place of delicate balance. Not knowing what body belongs to the red eyes in the shadows. Being that fear begins with the unknown you could say my life is full of night terrors. My life is always on the line. I'm full paranoia. I'm always sickly and  hurting. Man vs self and society. Clawing the roots of the earth to remain breathing. I'm never on the top but I can easily fall to the bottom. Long ago I was at the top but my parents divorce and my mother's drug addiction drove me to the edge. My step moms verbal abuse made me slip. Hope's of a broken family gluing back together someday is what makes me hold on for dear life. I'm slightly suicidal, taste the sorrow on my tongue. Light cuts on the wrist that sting. Bring me the feeling of pain. My brain enriched with the memories of my painful past. Trying to overcome my inner demons who make everything worse. Priest please bless me, drown me in holy water until I'm unconscious then bring me back to life. Worried I'm not worthy enough for any comfort at the side of God. Lord please have mercy on my soul. So much evil in this world all in front of my eyes in disguise. Demons whispering in my ears and diging their claws into my hands that hold me on the ledge. Demons that influence me to bring pain amongst myself dear God please help me. I dont know how much more of this I can take. My ancestors probably frown upon me from above. They probably think "what a disaster this girl is, how weak" or is that just the demons whispering from below. They make me believe I'll be addicted to drugs just like my mother. Have anger issues just like my father. Loads of depression and suicide just coming from my families blood line. Suicide runs in the family no one has lived for very long. Never met my grand father on my dad's side. He burned down the house and put a bullet in his head. My father was a teen when it happened his father is dead. I feel sick, I feel cold like death is breathing on me. I'm getting older, more problems, more responsibility. No shoulder to cry on, Nobody takes me seriously. Everyone thinks I'm a joke, laugh it all up and feel my heart break. Im ridiculous, Dramatic, cant use my head. Nothing in my life seems to matter when I'm hit with waves of depression. I eat my emotions sometimes, im not taking care of myself, I feel self shame. Everything is always a constant battle inside my brain. Sometimes I laugh at my insanity. I seem to not be going anywhere. I guess for the remainder of my life I have left I'll be metaphorically dangling here between happiness and depression. Crying and smiling, dying and laughing as I hold on a little longer