Category : Diary/Journal
Sub Category : N/A
The easy way i have it many attempts to sabatoge makes me wonder how i can do such mean things why i feel as though i should keep losing people jobs roof clothes
i have started to stop and look deeper into actions that if caught would cause my own devastion, i wonder if others hurt people that are only trying to help knowing in doing such you force hatred and anger from ones who wanted to care but thanks to you not controling your self they speak and thimk ill of you.
never been one with confidence at leasr not sense i was 7 or 8 years old. i have isolated myself know forcing my fear to just shut up amd deal.
as i started doing good i still have my addictions that domt avtually control me not saying i control them but i found they are there and i feel more normal with them but not afraid to be without after 20+years its a set routine anymore.
times i beg screaming to be less aware of all my faults i look at positive and know if i cant change the sistuation theres no need to get worked up over it.
i m deeply saddened by watching as i do things to cause all the good some see in me to be forced into uglyness i think its beause i know my uglyiness and i do get angry when others say differant but its hard sometimes.
as of late after trying to love someone who was useing me in the start 6 years later he tells me its fact he knows me he tells me things untrure like i hang with lots of peple mainly men but i so isolated when i was with him no one came over to visit me i stayed in bed day after day no phone calls nothing but agter his words and assumptions and fact i had nothing to do but lay in bed sleep when i have started to force myself to change thinking i can feel better if i do things differant if i had friends