Category : Poems

Sub Category : N/A

Depression comes and goes for me. One minute I’m feeling good, inspired, motivated and I feel like nothing can get to me. Then, maybe a thought or two clouds my head and suddenly I feel myself getting so deeply lost in my thoughts and feelings.

I begin to think about all the negative moments life’s shown me; I start thinking about all the opportunities I let slip away because of my anxiety, all the family and friends I’ve grown apart from, my insecurities and lack of financial stability. And before I know it, I’m drowning in my sorrows, crying uncontrollably. 

Depression makes me feel alone, unloved and worthless. I start asking myself questions like, ‘’Why am I even here?’’ ‘’Do people mean it when they say they love me?’’ ‘’Will I be strong enough to pull myself out of this funk, this time?’’ ‘’Am I giving up on myself?’’ ‘’What should I do with my life while I’m still here?’’ ‘’What’s my life’s purpose?’’ 

I find it hard to think rationally when I’m this way. I can’t even focus well enough to write what it is that I struggle to say. No ink scribbled on the page in words. Nothing staring back at me but a blank page. My mind is completely blurred. 

I, myself, feel reluctant to call people I know and burden them with my troubles. They’ve got their own lives to work on and their own problems to solve. I don’t want to make their workload double. 

But it’s hard for me to keep these thoughts and feelings inside and when I am able to cover up what I’m going through...oh no! Here comes the thoughts of suicide. 

These thoughts try to make me believe that if I choose to end my life, I’ll finally find peace. That’s really all that I want; peace and freedom. I want to be in a better place in my life where if I am faced with a challenge, I can find the strength and courage to overcome it. 

I used to think that dying could rid me of all my pain and internal suffering, but as I’ve grown older, I realized this: how would I know that I am no longer accompanied by this misery if I am not alive to feel and or experience anything? 

I now know that suicide is not the ‘’peace’’ in which I seek because although suicide will allow me to not feel pain, tiredness and defeat in the a physically means, it is my spirit, my soul that will take on the suffering, eternally. 

It is said that music is not only for the ears, but for the mind and soul as well and I believe that without a handful, no, without a single ounce of a doubt. 

I mention this art form because there is a song by an artist named Pink, titled Sober, that spoke to me in the most astonishing way. The lyrics go: ‘’the night is calling and it whispers to me softly, come and play. I am falling and if I let myself go I’m the only one to blame.’’ 

This stood out to me probably the most because in my case, it is as if I’m having a conversation with myself. And in that conversation, I tell myself that if I give in to that sad voice playing over and over like a broken record in my head, if I lose myself in this dark abyss that is depression, you’re the only one who’s going to have to take the fall for it. 

What I want is to not give up on myself or forfeit this fight, but to ask for God’s mercy and strength to bless me to win this war against myself and to give me the hope and patience that I need to know that I will soon see better days to come in my life. 

‘’Dear Lord, please take charge over my life and guide me in the direction to a righteous existence. For I am too timid to do it alone. I open my heart to you and thank you for this and everything else. Amen.’’ 

I Still Have Faith. By Natasha Moran (RenéeRose)