Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Negativity: What is it and who can experience it? Can you really have and understand negativity if you aren’t an adult?

I’m just about 4 months to being 17 years old. Yet many people would say and even I would say I haven’t had any real life experiences. I do school online so I don’t have that high school experience. I can’t even drive yet because I haven’t gotten my permit. I don’t have a job so I’m not contributing to society. Heck for most of my life I was a terrible academic student. So most would say I haven’t experienced any negativity in my life. I don’t have factors or symbols of negativity. 

May I ask though “What is negativity really?” The dictionary described it as being “the expression of criticism of or pessimism about something.” It’s like optomoistic vs pessimistic one is cheerful and happy and they are kind. Pessimistic is gloomy dark and rude. Optomoistics believe the good will happen. While pessimistic believe the opposite. 

So who can experience negativity? Who can know these dark, gloomy, rude, comments,  people, and etc. Well that answer is everybody. Everybody Can experience negativity and most people in their life do at least once. Someone can be 15 and have barely any life experiences but be labeled pessimistic. Pure negativity toward life situations and themselves. Yet people would say they haven’t had enough experiences to be pessimistic? 

Kids can be surrounded by pessimistic people. That they form into one themselves or follow in that persons beliefs. They can form negative thoughts. 

Or people can be surrounded by so much negativity they let it consume them. 

Sadly, that’s much like myself. Now, I’m no pessimistic I believe good will come in the future. I’ve been around negativity though. When I was younger I held resentment in my heart toward people. I voiced negativity for years and I didn’t have an outlet. Not until I found writing. I think writing helped make me optimistic and not pessimistic. 

I’m surrounded by my family though. I’m not social and I take my time with achievements. I had a goal when I started school that I’d get into the National Junior honor society and then the National honor society. When years passed and I was in my 9th year the last year to qualify for NJHS. Many believed I wouldn’t make my goal ever in my life. I got that acceptance letter though. I was in NJHS and I had done it. 

My cousin has her permit though and she’s gonna get a job. She keeps her room mostly tidy(I do not). They label me a lot things because I’m behind in being an adult. 

That I’m almost 17 and not a fully fictioning member of society.

Whenever I’m in there company they say something about me that’s negative. 

As of recently all the negativity flooded my brain and actions. 

A few months ago I hit a bad spot in my mind. That’s a tough thing for me to admit to because I didn’t want to for awhile. I wanted to be ok and good. I didn’t want the times where I tell people “I’m ok.” To be a lie. 

I couldn’t stop replaying every negativity in my mind. I couldn’t stop crying and blaming myself for my faults. I started punching my legs until they tingled and throbbed. Till I was bending in pain and crying more. Then I started listening to bad music. Depressing and sad music that particularly I hated. I started having nightmares and dreams of my whole family being gone, and it be my fault. I’d wake up multiple times in the night and couldn’t fall asleep again. Sometimes I’d remember the dream throughout the day, except by the end of the day. The facts in the dream were twisted by my memory making it something much worse to remember. 

For about one month each day I had considered worse self-harm than punching. I couldn’t do it though. It’s wrong. I knew that this was the negativity talking. I am me. I shouldn’t hurt ME. Eventually I got out of that phase. The punching myself didn’t stop though. 

I couldn’t write anything. My outlet and my break or release wasn’t working. I couldn’t tell anyone I didn’t want to. I mean I have a good life. I shouldn’t be or feel this way? 

Negativity though. When represented to someone in large amounts. Anybody can experience it and be effected. It doesn’t matter whether their 14,15,16,17, or 21.