Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Hey. I'm sorry I've been distant. Not writing and showing it for awhile. Yeah, its bugs me too. Sorry about that. Reason is because I'm struggling to fix myself mentally. This is my goodbye letter if I ever commit to it. It hurts.

Reasons:
Broken heart
School
Lack of friends
Depression
And the future.

If I ever do it, end my life. It would be those reasons. Being heart broken and school being the main cause.

See, I'm not lying about this either, I already tried twice. But I was saved, from my friends and girlfriend at the time. But things change. Now I'm 16, I see the world how it is. I planned out my whole life; knowing what I want to be already in third grade, and that not changing through those years. It's a struggle that I'm going through and it hurts.

I tried moving on. But my heart belonged to her and it hurts to see she moved on after two days of breaking up. Yeah, "That's why I don't bother dating in high school." Well I'm not them, and I'm not like them. I tried moving on, when I found someone else, it didn't even last a day. Cheated on me the same day. I began beating myself up, she didn't even care she saw me kiss him. She didn't even care that I broke up with her, she never liked me anyway. That, broke me. That marked the 12th time someone cheated on me. Yeah, I still kept looking; unlike other people I never gave up, so hey lucky me I guess. Now I'm just sitting in bed every night listening to songs to make me fall asleep cause I hate crying myself to sleep every night. It hurts so much. I want to die.

School has me fucked up, I try my best but I can never sastify anyone. I learn that school doesn't mean anything, cause I learn what it is really. College is stupid, what's the point in it? You can go to jail and your life is already over. Your grades mean nothing after that. And I'm not letting any stupid letter give me my future. And I'm not letting it give me my job, family, money none of that. Working hard for a worthless grade, and destroying my mental health? No, I'm not doing that. It already kills me because I have to step foot on the stupid campus. I'm already depressed, already suicidal; school just builds up on it. I've been depression since third grade, it got worst in 6th grade. I broke in 9th grade, it's been down hill since then. You can be stupid and get good grades, that's how its flawed. I'm smart but working hard to destroy my mental health is not worth it at all, that's why if you seen my grades, its Cs and no As. I don't care anymore, I've already had breakdowns cause of school, I said these words to my teachers, counselor, principal, and mom:

"Every time I go to school, I want to kill myself!"
"I don't care about school!"
"So, it's not like grades mean anything."
"I don't care, I'm not going to college."

School can go burn in hell, I'm tired of it. And it's already hard as it is. I just can't. Trying to not cry during school is hard enough, everything happening right now is adding to it.

And depression, it builds up so much in me its eating me. I can't support myself anymore. I kept it in so long my physical health is draining now. I try to get help but no luck. I only told certain people the state I'm in. It hurts, I haven't had a mental break down in so long; not sure if this is good or not. Music calms me, it's not anymore. I'm slowly dying, and I'm not letting it bother me anymore, cause at this point it feels like I'm to far deep.

I just want to thank these people who helped me and reduced it a little.

Thanks:

Isabella Watkins
Makaikee
Meredith
The friends I actually have
My step dad
My Grandpa
My step dads side of the family
My deceased grandfather

And everyone else not mentioned that helped.

If I ever do it, its for those reason. I'm tired trying to fight everyday not to do it. Kill myself. Try not to think about it.

Until then, until I can't stand this anymore I'll keep writing and making new chapters, episodes, and series for the people who love my work.