Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Have you ever noticed the kinds of thoughts that you're having on a daily, minute-by-minute basis? 

Have you noticed how they affect you? (your emotions, your mood, your reactions?) 

I hadn't been consciously aware of this until about a year ago. It's been a game-changer to learn to choose my thoughts, consciously and intentionally, and through this, change my experience of anything. 

When I saw Nicky fall into "Barbie's" manipulative web for the umpteenth time, I stopped reaching out to him because I didn't like the person I became (super negative and angry) when I got bogged down by all the drama. 

At the time, that was the best choice I could make as it made me functional in my daily life. 

Shortly after my "radio silence", I realized I needed to figure ME out. I discovered these things called "limiting beliefs" and realized that I had them.... and could change them. 

I used journaling and affirmations to rewire my brain (beliefs) around so many different areas of my life. 

But this past year I had a paradigm shift that changed everything again. 

I learned that the negativity that I thought was just "who I was", was really the result of a habitual way of thinking about and responding to life. 

I learned that I could change my way of thinking. For example, when a problem is disturbing me, I shouldn't ask, 'what should I do about it?', instead I should ask, 'what part of me is being disturbed by this?'

Eventually I saw that the real cause of problem is not life itself, but the commotion the mind makes about life that really causes the problems. 

I realized that I had been pointing to things outside me as "triggering" me, blaming them for what I was feeling inside. 

So.... how do I go about rectifying this mentality? 

One solution was to remove the triggers.... which basically translates to living a very small life, constantly having to avoid things that may upset or trigger me. 

Or.... 

I could be more aware of my own being, notice what was coming up inside of me, deal with the internal so that I would no longer be triggered. 

It became my obsession to address anything that came up, rather than pushing it down or removing the trigger. 

I recognized that the issue wasn't the world outside me.... it was my thinking about it. 

I have since made it a practice to notice when my daily, minute-to-minute thoughts are not supportive of the experience I want to be having and to change them. 

I can now watch "Barbie" play her manipulative games on Nicky and not be affected by what used to make me furious. I can be in situations that before would have been unbearable for me and actually be fine. Be happy. 

Of course, there is a lot more to this than just changing my thoughts. 

But it comes down to this - I can try to change the world around me, or I can change myself and my reaction to it. 

Happiness and joy that last are an inside game. Instead of chasing something, I can first find it deep within. 

I recognize my capacity to experience joy is directly correlated to my capacity to experience pain and sadness. In life, everything is 50-50.... 50% challenge, 50% support. There are always two sides to every coin. 

In short, I cannot have the good without the bad. If I refuse to accept, feel, move through the "bad", I am also numbing myself to the good. 

Once I recognize that life is both, I can stop fighting against what is. When I release resistance to what is, thinking it should be something else, I open myself to receive the blessings that are also there. 

Life isn't supposed to be "perfect" in the sense that there isn't any challenge. My experience of life will always have a mix of good and bad, joy and sadness, pleasure and pain. I've found that realizing this is what allows the happiness in. 

Instead of fighting, I surrender. When I surrender, I realize that everything is what it is and that THIS is the perfection of life. 

I allow myself to be fully in whatever it is, and there is bliss there, right in the midst of incredible challenge, overwhelming pain. There too, it is still beautiful. I have learned that this is what it means to be human. This is what it means to be alive. 

I stop making decisions trying to avoid what might feel "bad", recognizing that it will always be there. 

Given that life will always have challenge, no matter what I do or don't do, I instead sit with the question.... what is it that I want?