Category : Stories

Sub Category : Fiction

ENTRY NO. 4

Well, it's another day in paradise, another day of trying to decipher the formless message of the universe.

I spent the night tossing and turning in my bed yet I haven't a clue to what is bothering me. My eyes are closed, but my mind kept on wandering towards the edge of sanity, thinking of the sweet caress of death again.

The frustration that I feel is so tangible I can almost feel its fingers curling around my neck.

Why do I feel so EMPTY?

Why do I feel like I'm looking at my life through the eyes of a stranger?

Why do I feel like my life is just one long telenovela that I'm forced to watch day in and day out?

Is there something wrong with me?

Or should I say, is there anything RIGHT with me?

You know what really drives me nuts at times? It's when people tell me that I'm so lucky, that my life is almost perfect, that I have everything that a girl would ever need.

What do they know about what I need, anyway?

Even I do not know what I need! (Or want, for that matter!) It's not that I am materialistic or ambitious, what I want is really so simple, so basic that its absence in my life is such a mystery to me...I just want to have peace of mind... of heart...peace in my soul. I just want to have that sense of fulfillment....a feeling of satisfaction...but they continue to elude me.

And so I go back to planning my own demise. Poison? Sleeping pills? Bullet to my brain? (Yuck! then I would have to have a closed coffin during my internment! NO WAY! I want to look beautiful when I die!)

I see no sense in going on with this charade.

I'm like a ghost that keeps on floating in and out of the real world.

What must I do to end this wretchedness?

Is death really the answer?

Will it give me the peace that I need...that feeling of satisfaction that has so far evaded me?

Or will it just make matters worse by extending my agony into eternity?

I have to admit, there are moments when what I seek seems just within arm's reach...illusions of happiness and feelings of contentment...they sometimes draw my mind away from these insane thoughts...but they are so brief and fleeting!

After the initial surge of bliss has passed, the emptiness returns and permeates my entire being...and the desire to end it all is reinforced.

Ahh..LIFE..what am I to make of you? Ahh...DEATH...are you friend or foe?