Category : Stories

Sub Category : Fiction

ENTRY NO. 3

I have this feeling that my life is just one big mistake.

NOTHING I ever do seems to go right. It's as if I made a wrong turn a long time ago and I just kept on going that way. I feel like a cork floating on an ocean of nothingness.

I could almost feel my life slipping away, slipping like sand through my fingers.

Why does my brain keep on spinning? I find no peace, not even in my sleep (no matter how brief it is.)

I wish I could just stop breathing so that this wretched existence will finally cease.

But how does one wish for death without causing it directly? I know I can't kill myself, I'm too squeamish, but I have lost track of the number of times that I have prayed for death to come.

In fact, when before I used to pray for God's protection in my sleep so that I would live to see another sunrise, now, I pray to ask God to TAKE me in my sleep so that I would no longer have to look at another sunrise!

But I guess, we don't always get what we pray for, do we?

And then, there are also times when I wonder if it is really death that I'm wishing and praying for.

Am I not just asking for some divine intervention to get me out of the rut I'm in?

Perhaps what I'm really asking for is the miracle to BELIEVE AGAIN.

For I know, I feel that in the deep recesses of my soul, there's still this small part of me that wants to hang on, to keep on fighting, a small part that seems to say that death IS the coward's way out and not the real answer to my quest.

God! How I hate that small part of me! I wish IT would go away, I wish IT would die so that I could go on with killing myself!!!!!

There may still be hope, however, for this small part of me, this tiny voice that stills my hand from slashing my wrists or putting poison to my lips is growing fainter and weaker every day.

With every disappointment that I suffer, with every thorn that gets lodged inside my heart, with every dream that gets crushed by reality, that voice loses strength and clarity.

Sometimes, it's barely a whisper inside my mind.

Perhaps, there really is hope.

Who knows, one of these days, that voice might stop whispering altogether and I would finally succeed in jumping off a cliff or even tying that rope around my neck?

Ah, death! What a welcome reprieve you would be for this wretched soul. I could hardly wait for you to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!