Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

So my divorce officially happened yesterday. 
Yes, I cried. 
Yes, it felt bad. 

But I didn't ask "why" or beat myself up. 

I've taken on the belief that everything that happens, happens for me. 

So I asked, "if everything happens for me, what do I want to do with it?"

The old me would have made it mean that "here I am again, overlooked and unvalued."

And yes, I did go there for a split second. 

But the woman I have consciously chosen to be is strong. I get knocked down and I bounce right back up again. Challenge is my practicing ground. It's where I become the next-level version of myself. 

So, I stayed in my room, and cried a bit more. 

And then I hunkered down and got to work. 

I centered myself and then I journaled it out. 

The quality of my life is determined by the quality of the questions I ask. And I'll always get an answer to any question I ask. 

If I ask, "what is wrong with me?" I will get an answer. 

So instead I asked, "what do I want to make of this? How is this actually in service to me?"

And the answer that came through was this.... 
If I try to fill a box, a role, who I am doesn't matter. And I'm not valued for who I am. I am valued by how well I fit the role. 

So my marriage not working out, for whatever reason, doesn't inherently mean anything about my worth. 

For most of my life, I haven't believed in my worth. I haven't really let my voice be heard. I've bit my tongue so I wouldn't step on toes, so I wouldn't upset or insult anyone. I've fit myself into an arbitrary box of what I thought I should be. 

And all because I feared rejection and I wanted acceptance. 

And I measured my worth based on how well other people responded to that box. 

When he didn't choose to value me for the role I played in the marriage, it's not a statement about my worth. It's a statement about his perception about how well I fit that role. 

So I choose to tell the story about how it happened as a neutral event. Period. 

I stopped making it mean anything. 

And I choose to lean into the believe that the right people, and the right situation will be attracted to me. 

And I decided that whatever I choose is mine. 

It's only a matter of time.