Category : Diary/Journal
Sub Category : N/A
So my divorce officially happened yesterday.
Yes, I cried.
Yes, it felt bad.
But I didn't ask "why" or beat myself up.
I've taken on the belief that everything that happens, happens for me.
So I asked, "if everything happens for me, what do I want to do with it?"
The old me would have made it mean that "here I am again, overlooked and unvalued."
And yes, I did go there for a split second.
But the woman I have consciously chosen to be is strong. I get knocked down and I bounce right back up again. Challenge is my practicing ground. It's where I become the next-level version of myself.
So, I stayed in my room, and cried a bit more.
And then I hunkered down and got to work.
I centered myself and then I journaled it out.
The quality of my life is determined by the quality of the questions I ask. And I'll always get an answer to any question I ask.
If I ask, "what is wrong with me?" I will get an answer.
So instead I asked, "what do I want to make of this? How is this actually in service to me?"
And the answer that came through was this....
If I try to fill a box, a role, who I am doesn't matter. And I'm not valued for who I am. I am valued by how well I fit the role.
So my marriage not working out, for whatever reason, doesn't inherently mean anything about my worth.
For most of my life, I haven't believed in my worth. I haven't really let my voice be heard. I've bit my tongue so I wouldn't step on toes, so I wouldn't upset or insult anyone. I've fit myself into an arbitrary box of what I thought I should be.
And all because I feared rejection and I wanted acceptance.
And I measured my worth based on how well other people responded to that box.
When he didn't choose to value me for the role I played in the marriage, it's not a statement about my worth. It's a statement about his perception about how well I fit that role.
So I choose to tell the story about how it happened as a neutral event. Period.
I stopped making it mean anything.
And I choose to lean into the believe that the right people, and the right situation will be attracted to me.
And I decided that whatever I choose is mine.
It's only a matter of time.