Category : Books-Non-Fiction
Sub Category : Biography
I live in the house of complaint.The air is thick with it and every move I make I walk on eggshells.Almost four years ago I was homeless living under a bridge...not an easy lifestyle at all..never knew what was going to happen day to day ,I lived in the moment things changing quickly from ok to bad without warning.I longed for a stable roof over my head with people who cared.Now I long for escape.When I first met this person he was everything I had ever dreamed of,he just seemed to have all the dream traits and oddly without my having told him anything about myself or experiences with relationships yet.we had barely just started growing close and yet he was everything I ever wanted.I was in a really shitty relationship at the time and had pretty much grown comfortable not feeling anything.I had my good looks and charismatic personality I had no need for sappy stuff like love.He lured me into this straight out of the movies( you know those mushy ones that make you lunge for the remote to change the channel) fairy tale.I had been happy the way I was,I didnt want to feel and have to go through the pain resulting from emotion.he ruined that for me.Now Im obsessed ...I do nothing but try to please him...My looks are gone and they dragged my self worth with them...I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what looks back.How could I be so stupid to let one person influence me so much.He isnt the guy from the fairy tale anymore.He even told me it was just an act,like normal people go to such legnths to convince another person they are something nonexistent,Im so angry ..at myself for being so weak,and at him for getting comfortable with me enough to lose the act.shit-I would prefer the act,even if its not real.better than what is.
Its mothers day..
And all through the house my mother in laws finding new things to bitch about....
My tiny area is clean so too bad nothing to complain about there.
And I with my vape and pipe tucked in pocket...have once more retreated to our patio closet.
From inside the house I hear clatter after clatter...but hell no Im not going to see whats the matter.
Sunday june 23rd
Another nightmare in the house of complaint.my mother in law is on another noisy cabinet slamming rampage..she complains the dishes arent done ...kind of hard to do without dish soap.maybe if she didnt spend every cent she had practically on scratchers wed have money for dish soap..theres no waking up normally in this house ,no its loud noises and complaining.my better half and his dad get the worst of it.his poor dad,was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago ,he comes to our house to recouperate from chemo and theres no recouperating here.now all of a sudden she comes home with dish soap and decides to do the dishes herself...like I shouldve had them done lol I dont mind doing them...but shes stubborn so fuck it let her get herself sick from it.she has copd and cant do much around the house...but amazingly she can still smoke cigarettes,makes sense right?
"So this is what its like ,living in limbo- first Im high then Im so low"
I used to dream about being invisible..now Im living it and wish I could go back to it being a dream.All my dreams have turned to nightmares.
Have you ever watched somebody transform into someone else right before your eyes? Its too late to flee from it because like a fish to bait - youre hooked...what do you do? do they ever change back? even for a little while would make it ok...and silly me,I keep hoping.
Same shit different day.its July 30th and Ive slipped into a deep depression..nothing really makes me feel joy anymore...my birthday is next month and I dread it,my other half has a new "job" as chat mod for this stupid skills game site so theres even less time really spent on me,I didnt know that was even possible..less...but low and behold it is.I see my addiction matching my stress level..more stress more bowls get smoked..hell Ive even fantasized about slamming again- but two years ago when I quit I got rid of all my needles...wish I hadnt.Our van broke down last week so now the mother in law is stuck indoors..with me ....all day.Id do anything to have that car running again ,that was my happy time her being gone for an hour here or there,it kept the balance just barely.now theres no escaping her.I go to my moms tomorrow to do all her laundry and thats a whole other type of stress.I love my mom but the routine I have to go through and hoops I have to jump through to please her are heavy weighted...currently Im trying my hardest not to puff up all my bowlage before I go there tomorrow because trying to do physical labor while faking positivity when Im coming down is the worst feeling.maybe Ill just pack a tiny bit more though lol
August 2nd ,and my birthday is in a few days...normally this would make me a little excited but I feel nothing now.my other half is slowly pushing me further and further away...he thinks he does nothing wrong ever..and that makes me think what if hes right? What if Im just feeling crappy because thats just me now ..maybe the stuff I smoke isnt strong enough to subdue the avalanche of emotions trying to constantly break through and thats why his sneaky lying behaviour gets to me.what sucks is its not BIG things hes lying about its little shit or little details ommited but its still a pattern I know all too well and the attitude of " Id rather do anything I have to do to avoid uncomfortable situations then to grow a pair and just stay honest regardless of the result" he seems to think Ill never find out hes lying or something and I always find out.then things are REALLY uncomfortable...makes no sense but its a common pattern that every fucking person Ive ever been with has exhibited.are there no men with balls out there,does the self centered self concerned personality afflict every single guy in the world?? That blows it really does.