Category : Diary/Journal
Sub Category : N/A
'Almost', a description of coming close to hitting the mark, but not quite hitting it.
I have pondered often about this word 'almost', and I see that I am 'almost' many things. For example, I have many times felt being on the 'almost' of something.... a time where I felt almost loving or loved, almost kind, almost compassionate, almost angry, almost fed up, and even almost happy.
Almost, is the fence I sit on, not knowing whether I can climb down or fall off.
Almost, is the reflective moment, when I think about what I said or what I did and wonder if it could have been different if I made another choice.
Almost, is many things. It's almost, getting that job or that relationship. It's almost, reaching a dream or not reaching it. It's almost, hoping and falling off the wall anyway. Yes, I have thought about 'almost' a lot.
Almost can be my friend or foe, depending on how I view my world. When I experience, I can see it as success, failure, or almost one or the other. It may seem like an easy choice as success is a powerful magnet, but I have come to like my 'almost '.
For my 'almost' is my teacher - he teaches me courage when I feel judged - she teaches me to be strong when I am unsure - they teach me growth doesn't happen the most through success or failure; it happens the most when I see I am.... almost - when I see my world in perspective of moments, not minutes; smiles not self judgments; when I sit on the wall and have the great view of the world, when I know that no matter what side I fall down on, all will be well. Yes, my 'almost' has been a good teacher to me.
Having said that, it's not always comfortable being at 'almost'. But then again, I am not here to be comfortable. I am here to seek, to learn, and to grow into the best version of me. And when I take the time to pause, I know I am almost many things. My decisions will not always be as simple as what I choose, but I will experience many moments of almost, for example when losing out was the blessing I needed even though I didn't know it.
I am looking at my cat and he has that almost look in his eyes - he almost got the pizza off my plate when he knows he shouldn't even try to take it. He had that almost moment when it didn't quite work out because I caught him. He won't give up trying and neither will I, because I am.... almost intelligent. Just smart enough to know how much I am loved and held so gently by a force I am still learning to understand; by something that reminds me that even when I try my best and it results in an almost moment, I am still so worthy that the world insists on me being here.
Perhaps that's the greatest gift of almost - it keeps me from deciding what my outcomes need to look like - far away from my often wrong perceptions of success and failure and toward a world where all possibilities wait for my open mind and heart.
It's sometimes difficult for me to see, but during those times I can remind myself that the rainbow I see as an arch from earth to earth, is actually a circle when seen from the air, and that's how 'almost' teaches me - close enough to the mystery to not reveal it all - that in seeking my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I stumble upon an even greater beauty that awakens my soul; that my spirit.... just like the rainbow.... never ends.