Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

These past two weeks have been crazy with me running around like a headless chicken. It all started with my day in court on 18th March, a day that could have officially closed a chapter in my life that I had fought so hard for many years to save. A chapter of my life that had left me feeling that I'm not enough. A chapter that had caused me to question my worth, which, in many occasions had sent me spiralling down the dark hole of depression. I was in and out of a funk that was taking me through an extreme spectrum of emotional turmoil that has been exhausting and draining for my soul. A chapter in my life called "marriage".

It took me a long time to come to the decision I had made, which is to officially end that chapter. For years, I had done my best to fight for it, to save it, build it, but despite all the work and effort I had been putting into it, I could see it all crashing down before my eyes. The foundation of which I thought the marriage was built on solid ground had been washed away by years of neglect and abandonment. Still, I fought hard to try to save it. But a union called marriage requires both parties involved to be on the same page to make it work. Like they say, it takes two to tango. It took me a long time to realize I was dancing alone. And when I did, I had a conversation with him. He admitted he had done me wrong, but made no acknowledgment of them. He asked for another chance, said he'd change, that he would step up in his game, and I gave him the chance to right his wrongs. I waited for another two years to see the changes he promised would come. But they never came. Things stayed the same. I felt betrayed, cheated, and played. It was my turn to play the game. And I played. Like a game of chess, I made my move and called checkmate. All he had to do was show up in court on that morning of 18th March and it would all have been officially over. But he didn't show. Just like how he wanted me to fight for years to save the marriage, he wanted me to fight for my freedom too. I was born to be a fighter, and so, fight I will. 

I went to court that morning of 18th March armed with truth and determination. I had no legal counsel to represent me, I was sure I could fight this battle alone. But I was wrong. Because the selfish defendant was a no show, the judge couldn't make his ruling. The judge advised me to get legal representation and gave me a month to prepare my case with all the relevant evidence before my next hearing. It was a bump in the road, but it wasn't a dead end. Right after I left the court, I sprung right into action. I went straight to the Syariah (Muslim law) legal office and registered myself for legal representation. I met with a young female lawyer who would be representing me and had an hour meeting with her. Answering all her questions that day felt like airing my dirty laundry out in the open. It is one thing to feel the pain of the wound that was inflicted on me, but to actually talk about it openly and transparently with a stranger whom I had just met for the very first time in my life, well, that was a whole other thing altogether. But it had to be done. I was determined to reclaim my life and I was willing and ready to do whatever it took to get my freedom. So even though I was squirming in my chair answering all her questions during that meeting, l sucked it up and did what had to be done. On March 26th, I went to see my lawyer again and this time I was armed with all the relevant and required documents I was told to get as evidence for my case. Again, more questions were asked of me, but this time I was not squirming in my chair. 

For years, this chapter coupled with a few other chapters of my life had sucked the life out of me. I felt deflated, wounded, and in many occasions, I felt like I just couldn't do life anymore. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts or anything like that, but I just felt like I didn't want to play this game of human experience anymore. I was overwhelmed by everything that was going on inside of me, the deep feeling of sadness that felt like it was eating me internally, slowly but surely. I have a loving and supportive family, close friends whom I love and trust that I can reach out to and count on, but somehow, I feel stuck in this funk of deep sadness which I can't seem to get out of. And this sadness that I'm feeling has taken its toll on me. I feel like I've lost interest in life, in this whole human experience. I got tired of socializing with friends, I got tired of small chats on social media, I even got tired of writing; something I never thought would ever happen to me. I need a shift, something to pull me back into life, into living. 

This is what's been going on with me. I'm struggling. I'm having a difficult time dealing with life. It feels like I have growth moments, the feeling of being on a mountaintop, only to fall back into a deep emotional valley. Like sliding back down the side of that muddy mountain. 

Does it seem like the highs and lows are oscillating faster than ever before? Is this an aspect of the path of deeper feeling? As I open my heart, is it normal to feel the extremes so much more? 

So, I'm literally sitting in my room, typing these words as question after question race through my mind. And I can't bring myself to ponder if the content of this writing is going to be well received, mocked or ridiculed. I don't feel motivated to think about that. Currently, my only desire is to understand why I am feeling the way I am. And I refuse to be inauthentic here. 

Now I understand why people pre-plan their release strategies. Moment to moment inspiration is unpredictable. My emotional state these days seems to be very unpredictable. What makes it harder, or at least more confronting, is that I know I'm choosing this emotional state. At a certain level I am certain that I am creating my reality and that I choose it. 

So why am I choosing this funk of an emotional turmoil? This bad chapter of my life that I'm working hard to close, the neglect, the pain, the abandonment, the other chapters of my life which had somehow blew up in my face, it is all happening FOR me. I believe that. Which means there is a valuable lesson in this for me. 

So, what is it?