Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

“This is the pain I gave myself to make you happy.”

Breathless I sit, staring thoughtlessly into the gloom. Holding back the next wave of tears welling up in my eyes. I felt terrible, my entire life had been of me trying to understand what others had felt in these 
situations. But being able to listen to their problems, was a entirely different story to what it was like experiencing it for yourself. 
Being heartbroken, is the one thing in the world that no one can understand without going through it themselves. 
For me, this experience is one I certainly would remember. This was what I’d put myself into.
I felt cold inside, like my heart was just a hollow rock with a shell for a mask. Like a giant shard of ice had speared my heart and left it frozen with no emotion. 
I needed a fire to warm up my cold heart but being afraid of the past never helped.

Why did I leave when I needed you most?
Previously stabbed with a sickening cold spear by my ex playing me. I was in no condition to take anymore pain, I was fragile. Just a simple question of asking “are you okay?” Could break me. 
So avoiding my boyfriend who I got together with to set my best friend up with her crush, was my biggest problem at the moment. I had caught real feelings for him, something I didn’t want to do.
I was afraid to open up to him like I had done in the past with my ex. So when I realised he had caught real feelings for me, I couldn’t stand the caring looks he gave me. 
After all, it was better to be alone and not worrying to loose someone than it was being constantly worried to loose them. Right? 
So I broke up with him, expecting to feel a wave of relief wash over my body all I felt was nothing.
I felt numb, I had absolutely no one to care about and no one who cared about me in that way. 
So getting home was the hardest thing to do, when I was hit with one sickening question by my now ex. 
Previously I had discussed breaking up with him to his best friend, who happened to be my close friend. My now Ex knowing something was up had asked me before what we had been talking about, and telling a lie in response to him then, had been a serious regret now.
I had lied to his face, and now having to reanswer his question hurt like a bullet had hit the remaining living part of my heart. 
It was quick, cold and sharp. A feeling that sent shivers down my spine, a feeling that I still have to this day. 
I felt numb. 
By leaving him trying to avoid past events only hurt me more, so instead of trying to avoid the past. You should reach out to those who you know care about you. 
My Ex being one of them who cared about me more than anyone at the time. Now I’m even more fragile than before, the icy cold throb of my heart is there everyday. 

Don’t you worry, “I’m Fine.”
Each and everyday, I watch my lifelong best friend go off with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who I set her up with, the very relationship that made me feel the way I am now. 
I hide the way I feel to the ones I love because I don’t want them to worry. I want them to be happy, I want to see them smile. After all, it’s better for me to be the one in pain than them. Cause if they were hurt I wouldn’t know what to do, I’d be the one trying to understand but ‘wishing’ I could. So by being the one hurt, I am protecting them from feeling what I’m feeling. By being the one hurt I can keep track of myself, and not have to worry about them being unhappy. 

I’ve gone through all this pain, just to make my best friend happy. Because I love her, I want to see her smile. I want her to be at her best, after all its better me than her being hurt.