Category : Diary/Journal
Sub Category : N/A
There is a belief that has been running in my head for as long as I can remember, of not being good enough. Of not being wanted or valued. Looking at the way my dad compared me to his friends' children, how highly he praised them yet not giving me the same validation no matter how much I had accomplished in my life, and then looking at the way my ex-husband was always putting others ahead of me, making me feel worthless; affirming this belief that I have of myself. I struggled to find ways to validate myself externally, because internally I would tell myself I am not enough. I find it ironic that this is still operating so often, even after I watched a video by an artist whose words I truly resonate with. The message in that video was so powerful that it has gone global and well received widely. It was a spoken poetry telling people that they "are the one they've been looking for" - hammering home the message of YOU ARE ENOUGH. Believing that I am enough is something I struggle with almost daily, and keep to myself mostly because somewhere inside me has had it programmed to believing that I am not enough. I know it isn't true for I know my worth and value, but it doesn't stop the belief from being so present so often.
Right now, I am on the journey of trusting in a bigger plan for myself and allowing the guidance I am given to help shape who I am and how I share my magic with the world. I am really good at helping others feel seen, heard and loved, but I still regularly struggle to help myself as such.
I recognize that there are parts of myself that truly struggle to allow myself to feel loved on a regular basis. Somehow, I keep feeling that the love that I feel is shown to me is nothing more than just a figment of my imagination, an illusion that isn't real. I tell myself that it is not true, for I see examples of how it is not true, and I can intellectualize how it is not the case, but I still feel it in my core, on a cellular level I feel it.... the belief so deep that even with all of the work I have done and am doing, it continues to affect me on a regular basis. I am working on this issue by journeying deeper and deeper into reprogramming years of affirming the same negative belief in a multitude of ways.
I recognize in this struggle that I'm facing, there are parts of myself that are unconsciously blocking the love that is available for me to receive. I also recognize when these feelings, thoughts and beliefs show up I struggle in making a constant effort to reprogram the patterns. I recognize that I need help to correct this pattern of negative belief. I need to learn how to reprogram my system and to do that, I need a teacher who can guide me in the right direction.
And so, I reached out for help.
I have been lucky enough to find not one, but two incredibly talented individuals, who are masters at helping others find their zone of genius and break through these patterns. I have been talking to them regularly, picking their brain whilst digging deeper into my brain, my heart and my soul. Through their guidance I am able to tap into parts of myself that I have not tapped into before, which had resulted in me seeing myself now through fresh eyes. Nevertheless, I still struggle to ask for support and reprogram my beliefs. Maybe it is because I am to do it on my own, or maybe it is just the patterning of not asking for help for not feeling worthy of it.... I am unsure.
The path of reprogramming deep seeded beliefs is challenging, even when we are given access to some of the greatest tools available to us. It is an ongoing process that takes time, patience and a gentle approach with ourselves. I remind myself to be gentle and kind to myself; that is my approach. I am just a humble student doing my best to understand this human experience; that is my approach. In order to learn what I seek to learn and in order to grow in ways that I want to grow, I keep my eyes peeled, my ears open, and I am present everyday committed to absorbing knowledge like a sponge. In short, I dig deep.
I look for the patterns that bring these beliefs up, I look for the wounds that allow me to affirm these negative beliefs and I actively come home to gratitude for at least the awareness that I have, and continue to trust. Trust that with each layer that I excavate I become stronger and get closer to having it as a belief of the past, no longer one I struggle to overcome.
So, I come home to the mantra that has helped me so often, which is.... "I love myself so much, that I could love you so much, that you could love you so much, that you could start loving me. "
But I remind myself, it starts with me. It starts with my capacity to truly love myself.
I know that as long as I continually make the same choices and have the same reactions, I will recycle my experiences and reinforce the beliefs that lead to the initial decision. It is only in making an unfamiliar choice or choosing a different course of action that I can create different experiences. Each time I am faced with a choice, I hold the power to change my life. I recognize I have multiple opportunities every day to create a new way of being. It is up to me to choose how I want to create my reality. Do I want to be a prisoner of my past or a pioneer of a bright new future? That reality is up to me.