Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Do you ever feel tired of having to deal with the same drama and bullshit others throw at you regularly? Do you ever feel tired of seeing the same pattern of behaviour while you try your best to keep your cool and be patient, hoping that they would realize how much of their insensitive behaviour has been disrespectful towards you? Do you ever feel like throwing in the towel but out of your own self-conscience and loyalty, you feel guilty for even having those thoughts? What do you do if you were in this dilemma? 

I have been struggling with the idea of 'doing the right thing'. My ex-husband's late mother used to tell me "let others do you wrong but you don't do wrong to others". For a long time, I was holding on to her advice. I kept taking whatever hurt and pain others throw at me in silence. I put up a strong front when inside I was screaming in frustration at the unfairness of it all. The beautiful thing about it is, in the whole process of putting others first, I had learned empathy and compassion. Those are great strengths, I know. But having those strengths and letting others get away with just about anything is not bringing me happiness. In fact, I was feeling more and more frustrated each day. 

Why do I always have to be the one who gives in? Why do I always have to be the one who makes the effort to make peace, or to find solutions, or to think about everyone else's feelings? What about me? What about my feelings? Don't they matter? Don't I matter? After all, I am human too, just like them. Why do I always have to be the one who does all the giving while they do all the taking? That isn't right, is it? No, that is totally NOT okay with me. 

I woke up one day and decided I didn't want to deal with the same old drama and bullshit anymore, or ever again. So, I changed. I had lots of excuses for not being able to change, but at the end of the day, they were excuses. 

Being able to change starts with my decision to change. It's that easy and not all that strange. 

I recognize that as long as I am ruled by fear, I will never know the freedom love would bring me. I recognize that as long as I believe the stories my mind whispers in my ear, I will never feel the truth of myself. I recognize that as long as I keep giving chances to people who use them to take advantage of the love and care that I offer, I will never be able to float to the surface to catch my breath and swim for shore. 

I am here for the full experience of this physical life. I choose which timeline I will travel on to do this. The vibrational flow of each is either fear or love. There is no wrong choice, only a vastly different experience. I can change my mind in any moment, but in changing my choice, I must back it up with action that propels me forward to be focused and committed to this new direction/experience.

I recognize that while my mind is caught up in playing this cat and mouse game with choice, while my ego is busy creating stories in my head, while I remain blind to this reality being an illusion, and while I continue to believe what I have always been told is true despite that deep knowing that something is amiss, then I am staying in a state of sleep to the truth of who and what I am. 

Every direction I turn is showing me, in some way, that there is so much more to this life experience, and to me, myself, than I was previously aware of. The 'awakening' is happening all around me, and it is happening deep within me too. There is a deep curiosity growing in me to want to know more. There is a shift that is happening within me. I am now transitioning from a 'sleeper' to a 'seeker' and I can feel my heart becoming the predominant radar instead of my mind. I am learning to 'feel' for my answers, and be guided by my heart, rather than using logic and being led by practicality. I am learning to live within the lightness love brings to my life and less within the heaviness of fear. 

I recognize that I am presented with a choice: evolve or remain. 

If I choose to remain unchanged, I will be presented with the same challenges, the same routine, the same storms, the same situations, until I learn from them, until I love myself enough to say "no more", until I choose to change. 

If I choose to evolve, I will connect with the strength within me. I will explore what lies outside the comfort zone. I will awaken to love. I will become. I will be. 

Those are the two options I have. Do I evolve, or do I remain? 

The choice for me is a no brainer. 

Every day in some way, I am different to who I was the day before. Every moment has an impact on me on some level. Every thought that goes through my mind is adding to the story of me. Every feeling offers me the opportunity to learn about myself on a deeper level. Every breath I take invites me here to become present in this moment. Every day I become the newest version of me. Nothing ever stays the same, and this includes me. 

I am not the Soul I once was. I am no longer as tolerant as I was before. A lot has changed. A lot had to change. What I embodied in the past, that part of me no longer exists.