Category : Stories
Sub Category : YoungAdult
Gazing out the window as we drive, feeling the highest of highs. I watch as the trees, one by one disappear behind us as we cruise just a tad under the speed limit to take it all in.
The song on the radio overplays the words of a man who's heart is aching. I feel it, deep down inside the pain is familiar. That well known lump sits in my throat trying to hold back tears.
I'm instantly taken back to a place that hurts. I can almost feel the sting as my eyes begin to water and my face feels hot as it swells. It was my lowest of lows.
We keep driving. Suddenly I am back in my safe place, wanting so bad to reach out and take her hand in mine. I want to pull over and make love to her in a field wildflowers.
I struggle with my demons I can't seem to lay to rest. I loved hard, and I gave my all. My mind takes me back, I am being shoved. I fall to the ground, the boots hit my ribs as I lay there defeated, I sob.
I feel guilt, why did I reach out to hold his hand? Why did I need to feel loved by him? I blink a few times to bring myself back to the present. I look at her as she drives lovingly, showing me all of the beautiful things in this messed up world. I am undeserving of her gaze.
My mind takes me back to that day, I feel my scalp burning as my hair is being pulled, I fall to the floor. Why did I tell him no? He hurts me and I give in. I'm afraid. I lay awake hoping I will be forgiven in the morning. The unease keeps me awake. This time I shake my head to free myself of these haunted memories.
We're home. My heart feels happy, this is my safe place. I finally love and I am loved back. She gives me all of her, she reaches out and I pull away.
It's back, my demon. I am wounded and I can't reach out. I feel disgust in the pit of my stomach as I struggle with a simple touch.
Here I am again, staring out of the car window, I reach over to change the song on the radio. The pain, It was so sudden. I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn't breathe for what felt like forever. I was so thoughtless, it was his favorite song and I deserved it.
I brush my teeth as she brushes hers, it's our routine. We're home. Everyday we go to bed, she reaches over to kiss me goodnight. I love her with all of my being. I want to reach out and hold her and kiss her. But I can't.
Then I'm back. He's throwing garbage at me and screaming. Something was in the wrong place. How could I forget? I knew how he liked it. I'm so sorry I say as I beg him to stop. Suddenly, I begin to feel numb. His words stopped hurting me and his hands around my throat ended it all. My heart stopped, metaphorically speaking, I am broken, a wound so deep it won't heal.
Here I am awake, trying to make sense of what keeps me so distant. I get too close and I can't breathe again. My insides shut down. I wake up in the night from a dream where the gun is in my face. I'm sweating and my scalp burns all over again, the lump in my throat aches and my heart is pounding through my chest. I am alive but afraid to live.
There she is sleeping next me, still loving me unconditionally even though I retreat when she tries to touch me. I feel her wants and needs but I hold back. Love is pain, is it not? I am undeserving of her sweet soul. I wake up each day hoping that this will pass. Sometimes it does and it's beautiful, again I'm at my highest of highs.
Then my demon returns and I put up this wall I don't know how to tear down. I have been wounded inside and out from love, or from what I was mistakenly believing was love. I love her with everything inside me. This is real. I feel complete. She is my everything, my light in this dark place I fall into. I just ask that she not give up. Hold on to me, but not too tight. Love me harder until I can reach the light. Feel me in your heart and remember I've loved you from the start.
