Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

February 19th, 2019.... I was sitting in my room with my notebook opened to a fresh blank page. As I sat on my bed surrounded by my cats, I prepared myself to write whatever that came to mind. All of a sudden, a gust of wind blew and parted my curtains, revealing up in the sky, the clear and beautiful 'Supermoon'. The sight of the moon outside my window left me in awe. I just couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from it. I must have stared at the moon for a good few minutes when my body was suddenly filled with deep emotions. Tears began to well in my eyes, blurring my vision. I blinked back the tears but big, fat teardrops began to slide down my face; slowly at first, then they were sliding down fast, like as if someone had left the floodgates open. And then the crying started. Hard, heavy crying. At that moment I wasn't sure why I was feeling so emotional. Or maybe deep down I knew. Maybe it was because it's been a while since I've felt sane. Since I felt joy. 

Truth is, it's been a while since I've been able to see life as beautiful. As I was crying I was also laughing, and it was a weird mix of emotions but I wasn't containing myself. I was letting the tears flow and I was letting the laughter roar. Thankfully I was alone in my room with my cats and out of sight, because if anyone had seen me then, I'm pretty sure they would think I was having a "Girl, Interrupted" moment. In the middle of my maniacal laughter and hysterical crying, I had an eye-opening moment, an epiphany, so to speak. There is irony in being almost single for the first time in twenty years, but feeling the most loved I've ever felt. 

February can be a difficult time for many people due to Valentine's Day and its romantic connotations. Television, social media, and nearly all commercial businesses are consumed with messages for couples, serving a constant reminder that love is shown outwardly during this time of year. To have those reminders constantly shoved at your face can be tough for those who are single. February has been tough for me too as seeing all the show-of-love around me hits a raw nerve that rubs me the wrong way. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I love love. And by that I mean I love it in all its splendour. I love seeing couples in love. I love reading stories about how people met. I'm a sucker for weddings and proposals and grand declarations of love in general. In true Leo fashion, I am a huge romantic, and love, to me, is pure magic. However, I'd be lying if I said that as this month was approaching, I didn't wince just a tad bit when thinking about it. You see, after twenty years of being married to someone I thought I would grow old with, I made an official move to close that door. February 19th 2019, exactly six days after our twentieth wedding anniversary, I marched into court to file for divorce. 

Have I given up on love? Absolutely not. In fact, I did what I needed to do to give myself a chance and also to give love a chance. It would be a tragedy for me to minimize romantic love because of a bad experience. Falling in love with someone and being loved in return is a miracle. It truly is. The level of intimacy and awakening it takes to go there is spiritual. Because loving someone is divine. It's otherworldly. It would also be a tragedy for me if I were to think that because I will soon be single, I am therefore loveless. The real tragedy would be in not realizing that love, in all its divinity, exists in many forms. 

So as I sat in my room that night, feeling the tears drying from my face after having caught my breath and recovered from my moment, I thought about the abundant love in my life. It is okay that my marriage had to end the way it ended because I am sure that later in life that romantic love will come back to me in the form of a new lover and when that day comes, it will be beautiful. But for now, the love that I have in my life is worthy of being acknowledged and embraced. 

I find love in spending time with my mom, having deep conversations with her and realizing how much I am becoming more and more like her. I find love in sharing my love for cats with my dad and enjoying the fun stories we share about his cat and mine. 

I find love in spending time with my grandma, listening to her stories about her life and seeing the sparkle in her eyes, the glow on her face and hearing her quiet laughter. 

I find love in hanging out with my brother, his wife and their three kids, going out for meals and fun outings together. I find love in watching my two nieces and nephew grow right before my eyes and being a big part of their growth. 

I find love in having my aunts have my back, supporting me all the way during this transition time of mine. 

I find love in seeing how Nicky had never tried to influence me or tried to break my marriage even though he knew of the problems between my soon-to-be ex-husband and I, and knowing that even after all these years his love for me had not faltered. 

Love, unfortunately, is oftentimes taken for granted because it's hidden in the mundane. Love is rarely a big spectacle or a declaration of elaborate "I love you's". Most of the time love is humble, meek, and grand in its simplicity. So yes, my marriage may have ended but I find comfort in the blanket of the little moments and I know for certain that I have more love in my life than I knew possible.