Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Relationships

    I'm starting to get the feeling I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've been single for about two years now, but I truly needed it. During this time, I wrote a memoir of a traumatic part of my life, as well as how all of it came to be and why. It took a tremendous amount of soul-searching and discovering patterns that I had initially thought were mere coincidences but were actually important events that setup more vital moments in my life. I truly know everything in this world happens for a reason.  
     It may seem like a positive experience, which it was, but I could have flooded the downstairs of my house with the amount of tears produced. I had to see my old therapist during the process. Revisiting those traumatic events and staying in them long enough to find out details to write, had put my present self in a dark place. 
      Lost in the dark forest of depression, I constantly toyed with intense thoughts of suicide and relapsing on old enemies—heroin and meth. To say that things got bad, would be like saying I shed a tear or two when I had discovered my best friend's lifeless body next to me in my bed. 
      But after these parts were relived, written, and shared, it was being in rehab again for the last time, snowboarding through beautiful white powder, cruising down the mountain. It was a high all on its own. A high I rode until its inevitable end. 
      I became content with being alone again. Now, that content is wavering. My board has become a weak plank of wood that could give out at any turn. I don't want to live a life with no one I can share it with. I've tried clubs, parties, bars, online dating, everything I can think of doing to meet the right woman. Always to no avail. I've found I'm more attracted to younger women in their mid 20s. It's not much of a difference with me being at the age of 31, but everyone I've met just doesn't click with me. They're not as experienced as I am, which makes me feel like an old man. 
      Is it me, or have people, particularly the younger crowd, become more self-absorbed?
      Well, this is what's on my mind. I don't know why I'm posting this. I just have a need to share it with somebody. 
       Lonely "old man" out.