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A girlfriend of mine called me up yesterday, wanting to talk about her relationship woe with her boyfriend of eleven years. For the first hour of the conversation she went all out ranting and venting about what an idiot he is that I didn't get an opportunity to get a word in. I listened to her grumbles and complaints and smiled to myself because despite everything that she can think of that is wrong about him, she's still in the relationship with him. 


Author's note: This piece is in no way meant as any mean of disrespect towards men. This is written purely as a comparison between how a woman's mind works versus how a man's mind works - based on the situation I gathered from my friend's story. 


Contrary to what many women believe, it is possible to develop a long-term, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. It can be challenging, but it is possible. This is challenging because a lot of guys don't really grasp what women mean by the word relationship. And it is also because when it comes to this matter, men and women are not wired the same way. Women then to over think things while men don't appear to think enough. 


Let's put out a simple scenario of a relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger asks a woman named Elaine out to a movie. She accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly and soon neither is seeing anybody else. They become exclusive; an 'item'. 


Then one evening when they are driving home after another date, a thought occurs to Elaine out of the blue. She says, "Do you believe we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"


Silence fills the car. To Elaine it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself, "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he feels confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation."


What Roger was really thinking when Elaine made that out of the blue statement was, "Gosh. Six months."


Because Roger did not respond immediately to her out of the blue statement,  Elaine's defense mechanism kicks in. She is thinking, "But hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?" Elaine expects to get an immediate response from Roger in regards to her out of the blue statement but when she didn't get that, her mind goes haywire and for some unexplained reason, it automatically goes into negative mode. 


While in Roger's head, he is thinking, "So that means it was.... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I got the car from the dealer's which means.... let me check the odometer.... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here!" Through sheer reaction to his thoughts, Roger's face turns grim. 


And Elaine is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship.... more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he senses my reservations. Yes, that's it. He's afraid of being rejected."


Meanwhile Roger is thinking, "I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say - it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent, thieving cretins six hundred dollars!" The grimace on his face becomes more prominent by the thoughts that is going on in his head. 


Seeing the grim look on Roger's face from the corner of her eye, Elaine is thinking, "He's angry, and I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."


And Roger is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's what they're going to say."


And Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting next to a perfectly good person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl fantasy."


And Roger is thinking, "Warranty? I'll give them warranty!"


"Roger," Elaine breaks the silence. 


"What?" says Roger. 


"I'm such a fool" Elaine says, sobbing. "I mean, I know there's no knight and there's no horse."


"There's no horse?" asks Roger. 


"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. 


"No!" Roger quickly shoots out, glad to know the correct answer to that somewhat trapping question. 


"It's just that.... I need some time," Elaine says. 


There is a 15-second pause while Roger tries to come up with a safe response. "Yes," he finally says. 


Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"


"What way?" asks Roger. 


"That way about time," Elaine says. 


"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."


Elaine gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she says, "Thank you, Roger."


"Thank you," he responds. 


Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted soul weeping until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of chips, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czech players he never heard of. A tiny voice in his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he figures it's better not to think about it. 


The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, and they will talk for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said. They will continue to discuss this subject for weeks, never reaching any definite conclusions but never getting bored with it either. 


Meanwhile, Roger playing racquetball one day with a friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving and ask, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


We are not talking about different wavelengths here. We are talking about different planets in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger because the sum total of his thinking about relationship is Huh? 


He has a guy brain, basically an analytical, problem-solving organ. It's not comfortable with nebulous concepts such as love, need and trust. If the guy brain has to form an opinion about another person it prefers to base it on facts, such as his or her earned-run average. 


A lot of women have trouble accepting this. They are convinced that guys must spend a certain amount of time thinking about the relationship. How can a guy see another human being day after day, night after night, and not be thinking about the relationship?  This is what women figure. 


They are wrong. A guy in a relationship is like an ant standing on top of a truck tire. The ant is aware that something large is there, but he cannot even dimly comprehend what it is. And if the truck starts moving and the tire starts to roll, the ant will sense that something important is happening, but right up until he rolls around to the bottom and is squashed, the only thought in his brain will be Huh? 


Thus the No. 1 tip for women to remember is to never assume the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it such as.... "Roger, would you mind passing me the sugar, inasmuch as we have a relationship?"... or "Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.".... or "Good news, Roger! The doctor says we are going to have our fourth child - another indication that we have a relationship!".... or "Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we have only a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship!"


Never let up, ladies. Keep planting that seed. Pound away relentlessly at this concept and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Someday he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking to some other guys about women and out of the blue he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm.... we have, ahhhh.... we.... we have a thing."


And he will sincerely mean it. 

 

Comments

  • Very funny.

    Mar 17, 2019

  • Mar 17, 2019

  • Tosin Olatokun

    Tosin Olatokun

    oh nice.... 😍

    Mar 18, 2019

  • Why do I feel like I would be the Roger of my relationships...

    Mar 19, 2019

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